GPS

About 6 weeks or so I told one of my supervisors that I felt as if I had turned a corner, and was headed in the right direction, with surer footing.  And then almost immediately fell off the radar and have been lost and wandering for the last month and a half.  Traveling alone, sealed within my own mode of transportation, having to stop occasionally and interact with folk only to fuel up and find a little rest was not how I had planned this trip for sure.

I don't have any idea where I was, but I know that it was dark, and my motor was running roughly, the computer was haywire, and the cruise was flat busted.  Every turn I made it seemed as if there was a giant billboard towering above the darkness with images of some of my happiest times with my husband and son.  They were out of reach, and while I saw the joy they had contained at the time, the darkness and inaccessibility swathed them, making me sadder than ever.  I needed windshield wipers on the inside and the leather upholstery was being ruined from the salty moisture in the vehicle.

I think for a while, I didn't even care whether I was finding my destination or not.  I don't really have the address and thought I could manage by just foraging out on my own.  Big mistake.  Every good traveler knows you are supposed to prepare in advance, have a plan, a plan B, be fully fueled, well maintained, and have emergency provisions - for you and your vehicle.  This little trip could now be called an epic fail.  I just was so distraught with it all that I got in, slammed the door and just took off, thinking I'd find my way to something better, someplace wonderful.  And I had no plan, no map, no time frame, no accommodations and no one knew to look for me.  Looking back I wonder if it was subconsciously intentional.  Can't say.  What I can say is that was the scariest, darkest trip I've taken in a while.  Even the high beams that are powered by my loving family and friends couldn't help me find my way out.

Then one day came a sign.  Soon after that sign, I stopped long enough where I found someone who wanted to talk with me.  Someone slightly familiar, but no one I was totally comfortable with.  They asked me lots of questions about where I was going and how I was getting there.  I think they were more curious than caring, but not having good answers to reasonable questions was eye opening for me.  Soon after, there was another stop, one of the required kind, like a weigh station along the interstate for an 18 wheeler.  There was a lot of concern about how much weight I was carrying and assistance in how I could plan my trip so as not to be so overloaded.  Coming from a place of authority and being the semi-good cradle Catholic I am, I seriously took heed.  Pulling out of the weigh station, I realized I was lighter for having had to leave some of what I was carrying behind to be street legal.

Pretty soon, it lightened up around me and I no longer needed the high beams.  No need for sunglasses just yet, but I was able to turn on some fun, sing-along music instead of the heavy Gregorian style chants I had had playing before.  I even opened the sun roof for a little vitamin therapy.  It almost felt like a Sunday ride.  And I began to see things that were more familiar to me.  I still have no map, but am making some smarter choices, and charging up the GPS so that I'll be able to find my way home.  Just for the fun of it I'm going to choose the alternate route.  It just seems like the right thing to do.  Sometimes doing the same thing over and over and rerunning trips and memories in your head causes you to miss what's beautiful along the way.  I need to see what might happen if I choose another route.

I think I wandered quite a bit off course these past several weeks, so I won't be home safely for a while.  The good news though, is that I'm feeling ready to be back.  I'm learning a lot of what not to do and picking up new tips for a new way to get to where I need to be.  I'm getting my tires rotated, my oil changed and changing my GPS from "Gone Past Sad" to "Going Places Safely".  No idea of my ETA but determined to find where I want to be going and definitely trying a new route!  Until I see you again, make it your best day!