Revelations

I've had to do a lot of soul searching about where I am right now - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and realistically.  It's not like me to be so unhappy.  It's not like me to ride such an emotional roller coaster.  Tears have always come easily to me for sentimental reasons but the ups and downs of my emotions of late have superseded anything I've ever experienced.  You've heard it from me - lost, lonely, depressed, sleep deprived.  I've been trying everything possible to find my way and figure out how to heal myself.

Recently I think it's begun to sort itself out.  I've written about not being the most important person to anyone anywhere.  I have no one to care for, no one to hold me.  I went to see a Reiki master for Reiki healing and one of the things she told me was that I was carrying tremendous heartache and she tried to relieve some, but that she couldn't do too much as I has still holding on to it too tightly.  That has been two weeks ago and it really stuck with me.  Why would I want to hold on to heartache?  I may feel guilty about moving on - but truth be told, I know David and Adam would both encourage me to do so.  I'm very afraid of no one remembering them, but I know that will never be the case.  They each had too many people who loved them and they each made their own impact in this world, leaving their own legacies.  I go for massage, gua sha, facials, pedicures just to have someone touch me.  I am so lucky to never have understood until now how much a human not only craves touch from another, but how much it is needed for your well being.  I don't mean that in a sexual way - just a caring, loving way.

For some reason, in the last few days, things seem to be coming together in this little pea brain of mine and tonight while talking to my hair stylist, (also a dear friend) I think I had a revelation.  I'm stuck because I'm trying to find the life I had "before".  I'm trying to be who I was "before".  And that means I'll search fruitlessly for someone who doesn't exist anymore.  I can't go back to a place that no longer exists and try to fit in.  It's like trying to go back home, but they've moved and didn't leave a forwarding address so you can't go there.  Well, okay, I do know where they are but it's not time for me to be there.  I hope that I have the same address one day.  What it is about is me grieving, for Dave, for Adam and now I know that I'm also grieving for me.  I didn't realize that at first consciously, but I think my subconscious did and that's when it got so much harder for me.  I've only always wanted to be a mother and a wife.  Thank goodness I'm still a mother, but by half now.  And I'm no longer a wife.  I don't know how to be me now.  I don't recognize who I am, where I'm going nor do I know who I want to be.  I don't know who I can be.  I don't have a freaking clue what my future holds.  And that scares the hell out of me.

Everything familiar has changed.  Certain circumstances restrict the possibilities, meaning I still have to work, still need to live here while I'm working.  But I need to forge ahead, to see what is beyond the perimeters of my past existence.  It's as scary as venturing into a dark, dark forest, in a violent thunderstorm, with no phone or flashlight, not knowing what kind of terrifying creatures lay in wait while trying to find the castle where everything becomes perfect.  Okay, I'll settle for a pretty little cottage that's cozy and comfortable on the other edge of the forest.

I believe this to be as true as anything I've written about to date.  I also know I need to work on moving forward.  I need to work on letting go.  I need to find courage that I don't know if I possess.  I need to meet new people who didn't know me "before".  I need to venture outside my comfort zone.  And I will.  Probably with baby steps, but my intent is to remain in forward motion.  I can take Dave and Adam with me in my memories and forever in my heart.  And I'll need my people - all of you.  I'll need your prayers, your cheers and your love.  I will look to my past to fuel my future.  And see what other surprises this crazy life has in store.  It appears I'm about to be off on an adventure.  And while I don't know where I'll go, or how I'll get there, I know who I'll take with me and I know I'll meet some more wonderful people.  That's a start.  And I'll begin the hard task of letting go.  It's going to be scary.  It reminds me of sending my babies off to school where I couldn't control everything that happened to them.  The truth is, we try to control too much and it's why we worry and can't sleep.  It's time to let go and let God.  And make it you best day, my friends.