A Little Bit of Heaven

That's the name of the movie I just finished watching.  Probably not the smartest choice this week, as it is about a young woman who dies - and her relationships with her friends and family.  But I thought it was so well done I was sucked clear into it before I realized that I would need more Kleenex nearby.  And trust me, due to a week into a sinus infection and a rough week of memories, I've gone through more than usual lately as it is.  And I wanted to whine on Facebook about being sick and being alone, with no one to get what I need, no one to help make it easier, no one to just brush you hair back from your forehead and hold your hand or rub your back for a bit.  And then I remember that some people have NEVER had that and I'm just spoiled.  I've had that little bit of heaven, from the time I was born to just over a year ago.  58 years of a little bit of heaven - not bad.  Decided against the whiny FB post.

I made a decision a while ago that having Adam's Victorian bulldog was just too much for me.  He is still a big puppy, just over a year old, and needs so much more attention and training than I am able to give him.  He and Seamus are so competitive for my time that by the time I can sit in the evening and spend time with them, they don't relax.  They both are legitimately vying for my attention and poor Kevlar did not have the benefit of enough training Adam would have provided for him, so none of us was enjoying each other the way a dog or master should.  So I was able to foster him out to dear, dear friends from Oklahoma, whose son went to boot camp when Adam did, met Adam and knew him even better through Dave and I.  We spent our time at MCRD Boot Camp graduation together on base and have had a couple of wonderful visits since then.  He will be loved by a Marine, who knows us, knows Adam's story, knows how important that Kevlar is to our family and that gives me comfort.  Parting with him was harder than I ever imagined, and I felt that I was failing Adam in that I couldn't manage having him, but I know that's not the case.  I did the right thing for Kevlar and made one Jarhead pretty happy to have the bulldog he always wanted.  Thank goodness for technology, as I'll be able to watch him grow and thrive.  And the fact that they drove back to Indiana after being here not that long ago to come fetch him was a bonus, as they were here with me over the weekend, sick as I was, and made it easier for me.  Another little piece of heaven.

Yesterday marked a year since I last saw my sweet boy, and I think that it's the hardest day I have sustained to date.  He did several special things for me that day.  Most of you know, he secured my home by installing new locks to be sure I'd be safe, and left me with probably his most prized possession beyond his wife and children that day.  It was an emotional good-bye that night, but I was buoyed by just time spent with him, as I am with his brother.  Any time spent with either of my sons is such a joy and a gift.  Had I known what was to happen within the week, I don't know if I could have let him go.  But that's not how God works.  Instead, on that last wonderful day, God shared a little piece of heaven.

As I miss my son, I always find that I miss Dave even more too.  I long for the comfort of my partner, my loving husband, my friend.  Even as ill as he became, there was not a night he did not come in to tuck me into bed and kiss me goodnight.  I miss his hugs, I miss his laugh, I miss his practical logic, I miss his touch.  Yet I feel he is all around me - just out of reach.  Another piece of heaven.

Last summer, people began to tell me that the second year would be worse than the first.  I'm beginning to understand what they meant.  What I thought was grief in the beginning, I will now say was shock.  I have somehow managed to survive with a horrible memory, moving sluggishly through a dense fog, to pay bills, go to work, do chores, etc.  But I was numb.  Either death would have done that to me, but I had not even fully absorbed what life would be without Dave before Adam was gone.  It's been almost 15 months since I last kissed my husband goodnight, and now one year since I was able to be enveloped in my son's bear hugs.  I'm not as numb.  The shock has worn away and the reality is setting in.  And it is more painful realizing that the hurt and lonliness I feel is not going away anytime soon.  Two of the people I held most dear are never coming back and it makes me so unbelievably sad.  The pain may not be as raw as it was initially, but it seems to go deeper.  I've moved from just coping and functioning, to being faced with planning a future without them in my life.  There are moments when I realize that I am not tied down anywhere and the world is my oyster right now, as they say.  But I haven't quite adjusted to the idea that I don't have an anchor, that I want to go forward solo.  I know I will, and I know I will find my joy again.  I'm committed to it.  I believe it's the only way to pay homage to these men I love so much, and that includes Chad as well.  But I have to get past Valentine's Day.  And that is going to be a major hurdle - my Dad's birthday, the holiday just for my husband and I to share, and the day my son went to his piece of heaven.

Thank the Good Lord that I do believe in heaven.  I do believe in salvation and I believe that those I love are enjoying their eternal rest in a place that is more than I can comprehend.  And they are enjoying it pain free and in the presence of our God.  What an amazing piece of heaven.  That, and the family I still have that I love so dearly, and fortunately, they love me in return, is more than enough for me to keep going.  Even on days I have trouble even moving from one room to the other, I know that with trust in God, the prayers offered on my behalf, and the amazing support I receive from family and friends, I will eventually crest a hill and find my new normal.  Until then, what they give me is enough heaven to keep me on the path.

"I am waiting in a silent prayer

I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy
Breath of heaven"

Amy Grant & Chris Eaton

"Breath of Heaven"