The Circle of Life

We will be celebrating my grandson's birthday this weekend, Adam's son, Camden.  It is his fifth birthday party.  His fourth birthday was just 11 days after his daddy died, 5 days after he was buried.  It happened, and there was a party and gifts, but it felt as if everyone was just going through the motions.  It was though each of us had been wrapped in quilt batting - the really good kind - that softens everything - as numbness and grief goes.

One of my closest friends asked after my weekend plans and I shared them.  And as with so much these days, I shared that it will be bittersweet.  For me, one of the times I miss my son the most is when I am in his home and he is absent.  I think that makes a lot of sense, since he no longer lived with me, nor had he for quite a while.  It is in HIS home, in the midst of the beautiful family he and his wife created that I still expect to see him round a corner or come up the steps from the basement and give me grief.  (It was one of the things he delighted in!)  And I would delightedly respond.  It was always worse when he and my husband were together.  They were almost like a Vaudeville comedy tag team and I didn't stand a chance.  But in their raucous laughter, and endless teasing and taunts, were eyes twinkling with joy and love.  They loved being together and they both loved giving me the devil.  Devil dogs they both were and wore the title with great pride.

But the real reason I find this upcoming visit to be bittersweet is due to his little boy - his mini-me.  Adam loved his little girls fiercely, from beginning to end, and now from afar.  I think though, when Cam came along, he was looking for a partner in crime, an ally in a house where he was outnumbered and pinkified.  Oh, and bond they did, due to the fact that soon after Cam man was born, Adam was medically retired, and they were together almost 24/7.  Each child has borne the loss of their daddy in a heartbreaking way, unique to them.  Cam has offered many insights and questions beyond his years, revealing a little old soul who has way more going on in that little head than any child should have to wonder about.  He has been angry about his daddy's death.  He has been blunt.  He has wanted everyone to just quit being sad and go to heaven to be with Dad.  He wants to protect his Mama and sisters, but wishes he had his partner in crime back to help.

What hurts me particularly about Camden, is that in all likelihood, he won't remember his Daddy at all, as he was so young when he died.  That absolutely breaks what is left in my heart to break.  He may feel as if he remembers as there will always be stories and pictures and some of Daddy's possessions to hold onto.  But Cam deserved so much more.  His Daddy adored all three of them, but he was sharing things with his little boy that he had to often learn the hard way; a lot of "guy" things that girls aren't always interested in.  And he was making sure that his children were going to be prepared for life.  He wanted what every parent wants - to raise his children to be well loved, well behaved, well educated, well spoken, well spoken of and well equipped for the world.  He taught Cam how to clear the house to make sure there were no monsters with Nerf guns, so that he could feel safe when he went to bed.  He taught him about tractors and trains and fishing and Legos, pulling from the archives of his childhood and what he had loved most.  He was teaching him history, and spirituality and kindness for your neighbors.  Don't worry - I'm not glorifying him - he also was giving him an example of how to dip and spit and occasionally utter a bad word under your breath......or maybe have it burst out in a moment of anger or frustration.  But he was teaching him and Cam was a sponge.

I have some gifts that I think Camden will enjoy, among many others that he'll receive tomorrow.  Sadly, none of us can give him what his heart yearns for.  One day I hope that Cam has a new daddy to look out for him, to teach him and to love him.  That entire family deserves healing and moving forward, if and when it is to be.  But in the meantime, tomorrow in the midst of tissue paper, cake and ice cream and all of his family and friends, when Cam blows out his candles I will make a wish too.  I will wish that each one of us can remember how wonderful it was when Adam was with us.  And more than that, I hope that we can do it with a smile, knowing he would want his little boy's birthday to be perfect.  And I hope we all can learn how to take him along in our hearts and keep him alive in our memories while moving forward.  We'll all find our balance with this, all in our own time and supporting each other.  That the future will lose the "bitter" and become more "sweet" as we reconcile what we never wanted with what God had planned in our lives.  We can do it.  I can do it.  For Jessica, Addison and Mackenzie.  For Adam and tomorrow especially for Camden.  Cam, may the rest of your years be filled with all that your Daddy desired for you and more.  May you always feel the love of everyone around you.  May you never doubt the love and pride your Daddy had in you.    Happy Birthday Sweet Boy.  Now let's make a wish.