Letting Go

Oh grief......undoubtedly the most complicated emotion I have ever experienced, I must say.  And by now, unfortunately, I am quite familiar with it, yet still constantly perplexed by it.  24 years ago this year I lost my mother, and 14 years ago my dad.  I'm now coming up on five years since I lost my husband and three months later, the five year anniversary of my son's death.  Yes, I know grief.  However, there is absolutely no predicting it.  What I am discovering is that the pain of not having those people in my life is still acute, yet I have learned to cope.  I feel as if I have been in hibernation in varying degrees over the past five years and am now wide awake and seeing the world so very differently.

First of all there is the realization that without my parents or husband, no one loves me "best" anymore.  That hit me when just over a year ago I was wheeled back to surgery without my husband there reassuring me with a kiss and sparkling blue eyes that all would be well.  The dearest of friends were there, and no offense and I know none will be taken, but it's just not the same.  Call me selfish, but I miss being that special to someone - that I will be the first person they think of, call, reach for.  There's a big chunk of lonely in that realization that you have lost that privilege.

With the intimacy of immediate family, whether it be parent, spouse or child, there are so many things specific to those relationships that no one else can duplicate.  I miss that I will never again have one of the extraordinary meals my mother could prepare.  I miss that I will never be able to hear my dad tell stories of his Grandpa Hay, and wish that I had listened more closely the first time.  I miss coming home to someone whose eyes lit up when I came in and would offer a foot rub.  And I miss a son who understood his mother's gullibility and never missed a chance to pull her leg.  Those examples may seem trite to the obvious, but I guarantee, they are not.  They are part of unique relationships that made each of them so very special to me in so many ways.

What I wouldn't give to have someone by my side whose hand I could grab when I see something joyful when out and about; or just to give me security, physically and emotionally.  I miss that I don't have a shoulder to rest my head on when I enjoy the wonder of the incredible sunset, waterfall, forest or ocean that I am enjoying.  I want to look across a room again, catch his eye and get a wink, or see an expression that is as clear to me as if words were spoken.  How much happier mornings would be if there was someone to say good morning to, or just kiss on the forehead as they slumber on.  How much better I would sleep if I had someone to say good night to is something I'm sure of.

I ache at family events when these people are not there for landmarks, such as ball games, First Communions, weddings, Hall of Fame inductions and so much more.  I'm learning that I can let go of the physical things, but the memories are part of my very soul.  They're my history, part of the big patchwork quilt that could chronicle my life.  The good news is that I can more often smile at these memories than before.  The sad news is that the word bittersweet never before had so much meaning for me.  With those smiles comes a tug of sadness that the beautiful party that included those guests of honor is over.

Maybe it's because I'm getting older that I'm putting together my own "End of Life" box.  You know, the binder with all of your insurance policies, accounts, passwords, and such.  My will is in there too.  Additionally I have begun planning my own funeral and wake.  I'm not sure exactly where or what the funeral will entail or even where it will even happen, but I'm gathering some things (tangible and intangible) that I can leave to the keepers of my heart left here on earth.   I have far more specific ideas about the wake!  I want a true party, with lots of laughter, lots of music and lots and lots of hugs.  I want a veritable love fest as a reminder that even when you have to let go, there are still so many others in your life you can reach out for, who love you and care about you like no one else can or will.

Spring; a Time of MY Rebirth

It's never too late to teach an old dog new tricks.  Thank goodness, because this bitch has been making lots of mistakes all along the way.  Finally, before my amazing journey is over, I am finally learning some secrets to life. 

I was raised in a conservative rural German Catholic area.  I could not have handpicked parents any better than I received.  My sisters and I were taught the Ten Commandments, the Golden Rule, to respect our elders, authority and just about anything and everything else.  I had no bias or discrimination instilled into me.  I was taught that all men are equal and that if you work hard and do the right thing, good things will happen.  I was also taught to never be hurtful.  I am grateful for that upbringing and overall it has served me incredibly well.  Some of my problem though is, that over time, things have changed.  The moral credo I was taught does not exist in the same way it used to.  We tended to put other people first, knowing that what good you did would be returned to you many fold.  I now exist in a culture that I see more often than not to be a "me first" life.  "Listen to ME!"  "Pay attention to ME!"  "Don't do anything to offend ME!"  "I know I just started in the work force but my education is superior to yours therefore I know more and understand technology more which makes me superior to you!"  "Don't try to spew what you believe to me - I know better.  Life isn't that way any more Old Timer!"  Maybe.  But the thing is, times and society changes, human needs do not.  People are people.  Life changes.  I get that.  I have a smart phone and a smart TV.  They are still not smarter than me.  I know how to respond beyond how I am programmed.  Sometimes there are flaws in our programming.  Sometimes it is a manufacturer's flaw and sometimes a user flaw.  Very often troubleshooting manuals that you download are very short and to the point.  If it goes beyond the very simple, call tech support, or for administrative assistance.  Who are these people behind the phone with the foreign accents that I can't understand?  How can they fix what is wrong in my world?  The reality is that they can't. The reality is that no one knows me better than me and if I am honest, I know the path to find how to right what is wrong with me.

Sometimes even with the happiest of childhoods, we don't grasp all the tools necessary to go forward in life.  I didn't learn how to deal with confrontation well.  I didn't learn how to have a healthy argument.  I learned to acquiesce and apologize sometimes for things that weren't my fault just to keep the peace.  I would succumb sometimes faster than I should, even if I believed what I was doing was right, to not make waves.  With that behavior, doubt can come creeping in.  Maybe I believed that I was right, but if I was in the minority, surely I wasn't.  Therefore I would keep my ideas and opinions to myself.  I didn't want anyone to think poorly or badly of me and heaven forbid to make fun of me.  And so the invasion of peer pressure trumps self esteem every time in my life.  There is always someone else hiding behind their own lack of self confidence using a bigger voice or personality to bully you into getting their way and showing you they were smarter, better, right.  And often their issues were way bigger than yours, but as a child you had no way of understanding that, let alone to be able to battle it.  So instead of reaching out a hand or facing off, retreat was my response.

I have said before that from the time I was a very young girl that the Wizard of Oz has been my favorite movie.  Somewhere Over the Rainbow is probably my all time favorite song.  It has graduated from being a favorite to the perfect metaphor for life, especially when you incorporate Wicked into the equation.  "You've had the power all along my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself."  Heavenly days!  It's been there, buried in the midst of one of my absolute favorite childhood treasures all the time.  Why haven't I paid more attention until now?

Because it's not how the world beyond our psyche operates.  We need to succeed.  We need to have a great career.  We need to present the perfect family.  Said family has to participate in x number of sports and extracurricular activities and maintain at least a 3.5 GPA to be deemed "good enough".  That of course with the right wardrobe, car, house, church, school, toys, etc., etc. are the measuring sticks for success in our world.  I believe in equality, but I don't want it shoved down my throat.  I want people to respond to me in the same way that I treat them.  I have no judgment about anyone until I know them and interact with them.  And even then I have learned to try to look at things from their viewpoint as I am able and even after that to give them the benefit of the doubt.  It doesn't mean that if they hurt me it still doesn't sting and I still don't experience a moment of hurt, anger or resentment, but I don't feed it and don't let it come home to roost.  I can give it it's due and then move on.  I can't control them, but I sure as hell can control me.  And that's where I will find my happiness.  I immediately am going to grant respect until it is proven that it is has been misplaced.  I will treat someone with dignity as another child of God.  Please do the same for me. 

So going back to my generational upbringing, I am a bit on the cusp of the old school where a woman's place is in the home and I wish I could have lived that life.  Alas, it was not to be.  We were a generation moving into the work force so that we could keep up with the Jones and Smiths and Greens and O'Haras and Steinbergs and Chens and D'Angelos and everyone else on the block or county quadrant.  That meant to be a wife and mother came first, making sure your husband's and childrens' needs were attended to first.  Any good wife and mother knows that, right?  You are up earlier than anyone preparing lunches and checking book bags and up later than everyone, checking homework, ironing shirts, prepping tomorrow night's dinner so you can eat after all the after school activities and not be one of THOSE moms who runs through the drive thru at the nearest fast food establishment.  It's important to do all these things because they equate to love for your family.  It is not just something you SAY to them, you have to SHOW them.  We all know that, right?

And when someone comes into the kitchen on a holiday and you are juggling decorating and cooking and baking and shopping and cleaning and correspondence and schedules and they want to know if you need anything, you smile and say "No, I think I have everything under control", wiping a strand of hair from your face with a tired smile.  THIS is where I stop the video and scream "No! No you don't!  You may think you have it under control but you're losing control everywhere else!"

Children need to learn that life is not a bed of roses and doesn't exist around them.  Husbands don't need to be coddled and believe that anything within the house is not their domain.  The purpose of family is to give you a safe and supportive base from which to explore the world.  This applies both to the family your parents make for you and to the one you eventually make for yourself and your children.  That means working as a team, sharing the workload and the fun times; sharing the joys and sorrows and being honest along every step of the way.  You never burden your children with adult business, but it is not unhealthy for them to understand there is not a money tree in the back yard and sometimes we can't afford it and sometimes you don't make the team and sometimes someone won't invite you.  And we deal with all of that together, celebrating our strengths and working on our weaknesses.  I found that it was harder than I thought because more often than not, they struggled with the same things I had all of my life.  Go figure.  And of course over time, the world changes so families must adapt and change as well.  And in many cases wives and mothers chart the course for their families, or at least do the best job of keeping them grounded.  (Don't anyone get excited - that is a generalization, not a fact!)  To do that requires a great deal of strength and oft times courage.  And that my friends, is exactly where I have failed. 

I loved and nurtured extraordinarily well.  I wanted to be everything to each of them.  (Not practical or realistic I know now!)  In doing so I perpetuated the same weaknesses I had into them.  I would wear myself to a frazzle trying to make everything just so and could smile with the thrill of victory, saved from the agony of defeat.  Ugh.  If only I had known then what I am discovering now.

Fast forward to a life that has included the loss of both parents at a younger age than the median, a  child with learning disabilities, a dysfunctional marriage and consequent divorce after over 20 years, job loss, remarriage, death of a spouse, death of a child and traumatic injuries.  First of all, your measuring stick for success has been wiped out.  Erased.  Gone.  Kaput.  Secondly, how do you perform when everything you did was meant for someone else?  How in the world can you be happy now? 

The truth is, I was asked just over twenty years ago in a therapy session what would make me happy a year from then.  I responded how my family and husband would be succeeding as my response.  She reiterated the question and said "Sandra, it's not about them.  What do you need to make YOU happy?"  I sat for what seemed like forever, and if you know me well at all, you know I am rarely at a loss for words, but I was that afternoon.  I had no idea.  Literally no idea.  I don't say that because I am a saint or a martyr.  I just had put myself way up on the top shelf of the back closet and closed the door a long time ago.  In that moment I knew I was going to have to find a way to reach way up there, grab that box, dust it off, open it up and see what happened.

Yes, I said twenty plus years ago.  The box has come down.  It came down right after my divorce.  Happily I discovered some of the very best of me in the depths of that box.  It has been fun to dig into the box and see what was in there.  It has taken all these years to get through it.  It feels good to wear my own skin and say what I want and do what I want without fear of reprisal.  I actually LIKE who I am far more than when I was doing everything "just so" for someone else and nothing for me.  Yet there's one more piece of the puzzle that is the hardest still at the very bottom of the box.  Something that causes me to feel as inadequate and lost as I did wondering what would make me happy twenty years ago.  And that simply is the need to take care of myself.  Put myself first for a change.  Care more about my health and well being than those I love.  Doing that I realize is loving the cherished people in my life but I had no idea how to go about it.  Undoubtedly I've had more on my plate before but I could tackle it with zeal because it was for someone I loved.  What is covering my plate now is all about me and sadly I have not been motivated to clean my plate because it WAS only about me. 

I have been fighting mightily to recover from the losses in my life; to figure out how to do this on my own.  I have been determined almost from the outset to find my joy. I have come a long way but my recent accident and subsequent temporary (hopefully) disability has sent me into a depressed state that has frightened me.  I have a wonderful support system, but there is much lacking.  Still I could hear a voice telling me that I can manage this; that I am capable.  I am a child of God and wonderfully made.  I am alive and I yearn for more.  I have the examples and legacies of incredible people to draw from and to add my own spirit to.  So the solution is simple.  Get up and get going.  Do what you never have done.  Go where you never have gone.  Invest in me, in my strength, my health, my courage, my fears.  I KNOW that I am enough.  I KNOW that I have gifts to offer that are mine exclusively and how wonderful it will be to share them with those who want to share equally and not just take.  Life is all about energy and I can only attract what I emit.  I'm going to say, before I am finished, prepare to be shocked.  And I'm not talking about being surprised, I'm talking about being physically shocked from the positive energy that you will feel radiate from me.  I have put together my own program with the help of some amazing people, using my own intuition that has proven spot on so far and now each day I wake with hope and excitement for what the future has in store for me.   I have been abundantly blessed and it would be a shame to not have my light shine fully upon this earth before it is snuffed out.  So until later, keep your sunglasses handy my friends.  You're going to need them!!!!  xoxoxo

What Am I Thankful For?

Another Thanksgiving in the books.  This year I was fortunate to spend it with my son Chad, and grandson Tyler.  Cozy and quiet with two wonderful men in my life!

In reflecting on this holiday and the next to follow, seeing Facebook posts, photos of family holiday gatherings, hearing coworkers speak of holiday plans, I realize that the holidays have truly become bittersweet for me.  I still love them and decorate and want to participate.  But there are too many empty seats these days.  Not just the four obvious ones, but more than four, because loss creates change.  The days of me being able to be surrounded by my entire family on a holiday are surely past.  That's a hard pill to swallow.  Yet I am prompted to do two things.  I have a dear friend who shared the wisdom of his grandfather, which is "to expect the worst, hope for the best, and you'll never be disappointed".  True words, and they have a place.  Yet to write life off that simply is difficult for me.  I need to let go of what I can't control, true.  But when what you can't control also has a direct effect upon your happiness it's easier said than done.  Secondly, I have to find a new way to process.

So now I look at what I have to be thankful for even in the toughest situations.  And with this I have a confession to make.  I probably have alluded to it before, but I need to say it outright.  I am fully aware that without the pain and suffering I have endured in my life, I likely would be a very shallow, self-centered person.  I wouldn't be able to reconcile as much as I do in this life.  I also know that with great likelihood, my perspective would not be to look for the silver lining and be grateful for all I have been given.  I'm not suggesting that I have this perfected or am a role model for anyone. But certainly, in learning how to understand why things happen requires me to put myself in others' shoes before I hurry to pass judgment or complain.  It doesn't mean that anything changes, but it does help me have compassion for others in the situation.

So this year, as I continue to discover new revelations, I am thankful for the grace God has given me to have perspective.  I am grateful for the ability to try to think beyond myself and put myself in an other's position which almost always takes any frustration down at least a notch, if not totally away.  I am thankful that God has chosen the people I need in my life.  Sometimes I think I want something or someone else, but this past season has proven that He knows what I need and has given it to me in spades.  The people who have responded to help me in many really tough situations without being asked has been unbelievable.  I have people actively in my life who walk the walk.  How could I ask for more?

I am grateful that I BELIEVE.  I believe in God/Higher Power/Whatever You Want to Call Him/Her/It.  My faith has been an anchor.  I am grateful that I have realized that faith and spirituality aren't necessarily tied to organized religion.  I am grateful that I still believe in people.  I believe in patriotism.  I believe in respecting others and giving someone the benefit of the doubt.  If you're waiting for "Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus" then I'm not going to disappoint you.  I do believe in Santa, and a joyful, giving spirit.  I'm grateful that somehow I was blessed with a spirit that wants to be happy, yearns for it, and a brain that knows that I alone am responsible for my own happiness.  I have been given the tools I need to sustain whatever this life is going to throw my way.  I just have to remember to always wear my tool belt.  And I am grateful even for the pain I have endured, and the people in my life, for without those items, I am sure my tool belt would not be nearly as well equipped.  Lighter and easier to carry maybe, but not nearly as helpful or effective.

I have had the love of wonderful parents, three extraordinary sisters, an absolutely incredible husband, two amazing sons, five beautiful, talented, loving grandchildren, fabulous extended family, and friends that you don't stumble across every day.  If hard life lessons have had anything to do with this bounty I enjoy, then I accept them willingly.  I could never wish the pain I have endured on anyone else, but with it has come unforeseen blessings that have been beyond abundant.  So I am called to travel my path with a cheerful heart.  When the sadness creeps in, I am reminded to use one of my tools to continue forward.  Today, that happens to be putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard).

Thank you for indulging me on my journey as I work to figure out how best to navigate with joy, love and peace.  It is my greatest desire to continue to hone that ability in the future.  May I always realize that I hold the key to my happiness.  I have all along.  My holiday wish for you is that you have your own key close at hand, but that that particular door always remains unlocked.  Happy Holidays my friends!

Broken But Not Beaten

Life is full of twists and turns and peaks and valleys and you can never be sure just what is around the next bend.  I recently hit a rough patch (literally) and it was the most serious event I’ve had to face since being widowed.  I fell, broke my right humerus (ironic name for a bone that has not proved to be the least bit funny so far) into 4 pieces.  It took two surgeons, 2 1/2 hours, one plate, thirteen screws and 49 staples to put me back together.  Painful and scary to be sure but certainly not the worst thing to happen at all.  But doing it all alone was something new and frightening.    I remember the surgeon just before surgery expressing doubts and outlining the not so wonderful options.  I think as much as I have missed my beloved husband in these past years I have never missed him more than those moments before I was rolled back to the OR.  What the surgeon had to say was not encouraging and all I could think of was how I would cope being alone.  I will never be able to prove whether it was the drugs or a wonderful visit, but the last thing I saw as I was going under was my husband’s reassuring smile with those bright blue sparkling eyes letting me know all would be well.

The hospital experience left a lot to be desired, but I was blessed with a gifted surgeon and some incredible nurses and CNAs.  I had what I needed where it mattered.  I was released with no use of my right arm or driving for at least six weeks.  I was released with no home health assistance even though the doctor had ordered it.  That created some really difficult situations because I could not remove or replace the immobilizer on my arm by myself.  That meant that many tasks were difficult to impossible for me to achieve, not the least of which were bathing and dressing.  It took time, but thanks to a wonderful HR Department at my place of employment, I have what I need now and am deeply grateful for their persistence and generosity.

I am just shy of a month into this journey and have had several epiphanies along the way.  The first is that I am and have been far from alone.  I knew I had wonderful people in my life but never in my life dreamed of just how blessed I am to have friends who have put their own lives and needs on hold to be here with me so I wouldn’t be alone.  From arriving in the ER in the ambulance and having someone there within the half hour to having three friends there during surgery to friends taking me home, staying with me, cleaning and cooking for me, taking me on necessary errands and just being with me as I recover has been extremely humbling and eye opening.

This experience has been painful and scary.  But it also has been such a revelation on so many levels.  There have been other occurrences early on, where much like seeing my husband’s face I have felt reassurance from my mother and father individually.   I was blessed with a new granddaughter that brings me more joy than I can put into words, even though I have yet to meet her.  My friends and family have been right here with prayers and their presence, offers of assistance, cards and flowers sent for encouragement, meals for sustenance, housecleaning and mowing.  The list goes on and on.  People have been truly incredible and shown just how much they care.  No lip service with my friends and family.  I am so proud to say they walk the walk.

I will never be able to repay all the kindnesses shown to me.  But know I will do my best and I do not take this lightly.  I truly am blessed and privileged enough to live within a tribe.  My tribe is large and far reaching.   They extend from coast to coast and border to border.  Silly me.  I was afraid of being alone.   I have never been more enveloped in love and generosity.  And I thank God each and every day for being blessed beyond what I deserve.

I will recover.  I AM recovering.  And a word of caution; as I emerge from this I believe I’m going to rise like the Phoenix stronger than I have ever been.

All because I get by with more than a little help from my friends.   God is so very good.  And what an incredibly wonderful world I live in.

Special thanks to Chad, Judy, Karen, Becky, Patricia, Kay, Rhonda, Kathy, Christine.  There are no words for who you are for me.   xoxoxo

Once Upon A Time the Sun Rose and Sandra Had an Epiphany

The more time passes since my life was turned upside down in 2014/2015, the more I'm learning how to calm myself as said time passes by.  Should I have been the sole author of my biography, it certainly would have had a "happily ever after" ending.  Alas, that was not to be the case, and if truth be told, even fairy tales have ogres, witches, monsters, death and fear in them.  What I can report, is that while I was a character in my beloved husband and son's last chapters, they were not destined to be in mine.  And I have decided to take editorial rights to what comes my way from now on.  I do have a co-author who will introduce plights and plots, but I get to decide how my character responds to each and every dilemma and dream come true.

I have learned so very much through grief, sadness and loneliness that has made me a kinder, softer, less judgmental and more tolerant human being.  There is something to be said for the wisdom of Scarlett O'Hara when she says she'll worry about it tomorrow.  The cliche memes that talk about yesterday being your past, tomorrow your future but today being the "present" is less cliche and so much more real.  Make no mistake, grief and depression are still the monsters in my story and I grapple with them on a very regular basis.  But the secret I've learned and adopted is that I have the advantage of taking what is negative and letting it go with the setting sun.  I am then free to wake up tomorrow to a brand new day, a brand new opportunity.  Yesterday's memories that are meant to be treasured will be etched onto my heart.  Yesterday's pain needs to be disposed of, for it will drain you of energy, vim and vigor that you want to have plenty of to face the new day ahead.

I am forced into really getting to know myself intimately as never before.  I am no longer "someone's wife", and my motherly pursuits are cut in half.  I am Sandra; widow, parent, bereaved parent, grandparent, sister and friend.  That leaves a lot of "me" time that I so dearly wished for when I didn't have it, because the people in my life now do not dwell in it on a daily or physically basis.  They are wonderful paragraphs, but not enough to compose a chapter except on very special days.  Mostly it is me writing my story now, without any outside influence.  Isn't life so very peculiar?  The grass certainly is greener on the other side.  I'm left with a yard that is a pain in the ass when you have to mow and fertilize it all yourself.  Cooking a meal has lost it's joy.  I was under the misunderstanding that it was about nourishment, but the joy in it was creating something for the people I loved, and hopefully nourishing them with my love as well as the vitamins, minerals and calories!  Weekends are the most difficult.  I have spent too much time filling mine with trips and company and shopping expeditions just so that I didn't become a slave to my bed and bedroom where everything was easier.  There would be no one to judge if I cried, or didn't get dressed, or heaven forbid, even venture from the bed except for the barest of necessities.  Moderation is what my mother taught me, and I'm pretty sure she didn't mean spending half the day in bed.  I'm learning to manage quite well with my own company a good deal of the time.  I'm no longer "trying to outrun the grief" but be proactive so that it doesn't sneak up on me as easily.

The truth is, that as time goes by, if I am open to the possibilities, I should be quite excited.  My world can be and will be what I create.  I am the captain of my ship, the head of my household and the co-author of my tale.  I care less what people think and do more of what is good and right for me.  That certainly does not mean at anyone's expense, however, I don't have to hold onto everyone and everything.  I can't embrace anything new if I don't let go at some point.

The saddest question I cannot answer, is whether I would have achieved some of what is so much better in me if I hadn't had to face the fire?  I would like to think so, but truth is, I doubt it.  There have been valuable lessons in this journey.  And the good news is that my story continues.  I'm not sure how it will end, but I guarantee it will be filled with the pursuit of joy, happiness, truth, reality and lots of laughter.  And that is my preferred recipe for love and life.  I'm predicting if my little story ever makes it to the big screen it will be much like a Disney film if I have anything to say about it; (and ultimately I have EVERYTHING to say about it!)  Good vs. bad, sadness and triumph over evil, laughter and tears, and most of all a wonderful moral that ties it all up into a nice little bow.  The kind of film that has everyone quiet as the credits roll, hugging those who came with them and leaving with hope in their heart.

Leave today's troubles on your back step to roll away with the setting sun and set your heart to rise with the same clean slate of a brand new day.  And just maybe, (I almost guarantee) we'll live happily ever after!!!  (Now if I could only train the mice to be more of a help than a nuisance!!!!)

Play Ball! aka Unconditional Love

Unconditional love.  I am one of the very fortunate, maybe even rare, individuals who has experienced this my entire life.  My parents showed in endless ways, for endless days that their love surpassed my growing pains, bad choices and the errors of my ways.  I'm going to make a fairly certain assumption and say that it extends to my sisters.  That's not to say there have never been arguments or disagreements over time; but the beautiful thing is that nothing has ever surfaced to be enough to cause a rift in our relationships.  They are there for me now and always have been.  They make a huge difference in filling the void that my parents left.  I'm blessed with incredible extended family as well, with no breaks in relationships where my sisters and I are concerned.

Then came David.  If partners, mates, spouses were to love unconditionally always, there would never be divorce, so we know that it is not as common as we'd like to believe.  But oddly enough, sometimes divorce is an outcome of unconditional love.  I believe it's possible to continue to love someone but not be able to live with them, but that's my next paragraph!  I get ahead of myself!!!  Back to David.  We met and became friends.  We talked over smoke breaks at work.  He shared his life and I shared mine.  We were thirteen years apart, but we became good friends.  He was a complex man and many thought he was gruff, crusty, grumpy.  He may have had a hard exterior but the inside was nothing but a giant heart of marshmallow fluff!  One of the things I loved about him was his loyalty and fierce love and devotion to his family.  I recognized before I ever dreamed my last name would one day be his, that he was a passionate man.  Passionate in his faith, for his family, friends and his work.  After I did take that funny last name, he demonstrated his love every day in so many different ways.  And I was spoiled without realizing it by living in a safe, warm, loving home with a man who put everyone he loved before himself.  It's a wonderful thing to be on the receiving end of that type of love.  Fortunately I realized what I had and worked hard to not take him for granted.  I can't say I was perfect but he knew I tried and I know just that was enough for him.  I wish everyone could know how safe and secure the right love can be.

I'm beginning to realize that part of his legacy to me, along with my parents and sisters, is the ability to love unconditionally myself.  It means standing back and letting the people you care for do what they need to do.  Period.  It is having generosity of spirit and a true, pure love that respects that they won't always do what you want.  They won't always make you happy.  Sometimes they'll break your heart.  It can mean watching them suffer from afar, keeping your tongue because for the real things to sink in, they have to be discovered by oneself.  Sometimes it hurts.  But most times it's a wonderful thing.  To love people in your life enough to allow them to live their lives as they see fit and still cherish them, is an upper tier kind of love.  To be able to recognize their need and respect it and love them through it is an incredible thing to experience.  Hopefully they keep you close, but if they don't or can't, it doesn't mean you take your ball and go home.  My heart does not play that way.  Neither did my late husband's.  Or Mom or Dad's.  Or Judy, Karen or Becky's.  Your role may change but it doesn't mean your heart gives up.  How would anyone ever achieve anything without someone to love them through it?  That concept is so foreign to me that I can't even imagine it.  It is partly why I struggle now, because I miss having that on the daily.  However, maybe this old gal is finally realizing that the idea now is for her to carry that very same ball and exhibit how it's played, just as I was shown, so I get to pass that ball!  Over and over and over and over! 

One of my favorite lyrics is from Kenny Loggins' "The Real Thing". 

There's only one thing,

You can never give up,

Never compromise on,

And that's the real thing you need in love.

Compromise is necessary in life.  In work and play and with everyone you encounter.  But do not compromise your heart for anyone.  That's a sure way to break it and lose at love.  Listen to your heart and be brave enough to take the hits.  The rewards far outweigh the risks.  This I guarantee.

Photo by Sonyo Estavillo

Midnight Potpourri

It's late at night.  I have work tomorrow morning.  But somehow I feel the need to put all this craziness being batted back and forth in my head like a furious game of ping pong to paper.  I may not win for it, but I will have put forth the effort and for that I may then be tired enough to turn it all off and sleep.

It's in the later hours of the night that it all catches up with me.  Little things.  Funny things.  Crazy things.  Things from my past.  Things that bring back memories of a time that I felt safe.  Memories of knowing I would wake and be able to say good morning to someone who was happy to see me and share the day with me.

We're told not to let a job define us; not to let our role as a parent define us; not to let our financial status define us, etc., etc.  Well how in the hell can that not happen to some degree?   Difficult, but I know believe it's how we manage ourselves in each of those situations that define us.  I believe the secret is in knowing who you are and not letting any title suck you in.  Don't be the concession stand lady who complains about having to be there; be Sandra who helps in the concession stand, who enjoys making the kids laugh and interacting with the parents.  After all, it's one of the joys of sharing your child's life that will be over way before you even knew it began.  Don't go to work and compare what you do, what your title is, how much you make compared to everyone else.  Do what you were hired to do and if it remains what you expected it to be when you so desperately wanted the job, be grateful you have it.  If it no longer suits you, find something else.  It doesn't matter what goes on with others around you.  And don't begrudge other's success; rejoice with them in their achievements!  And be sensitive to their tough times.  If you can treat them with at least as much consideration as you want the people in your family to have, you will have a good work experience.  And the bonus is you don't have to go home with them!  And vice versa when you get home.  Often times we can find ourselves being more pleasant with the cashier at the grocery than the first person who asks "what's for dinner?" when you walk in the door, tired after a long day at work.  I have been figuring out how to no longer be someones wife.  It's a crazy, scary thing at my age.  One minute I think how fortunate I am in that the world is my oyster and I can do what I want.  Yet I hope one day to find someone who would like to join me on my adventure.  Online dating?  Yep, tried it.  Can't say I'm a fan.   Don't know how or when I might stumble across the man who will appreciate me and find my quirkiness and crazy heart attractive, but if it's God's plan, I will.  Until then I need to just continue working on how I define myself at this time in my life.

I heard the frogs out, croaking loudly after the storm had passed through last night.  I so badly wished I was in my childhood bedroom where my window could be open to fall asleep to their symphony, along with the crickets and that wonderfully fresh scent that wafts through the window after a storm.

I heard Eva Cassidy sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" as I pulled into my addition tonight.  I did have to sit in the car to hear the end.  I wondered who would remember to be sure that is played when I die.  I think someone will, probably.

I have struggled mightily with some physical pain this week.  No relief with any pain and the need to be creative and uncomplaining to manage what needs to be managed while you're frightened, lonely and exhausted is a challenge.  But having pain in my hip and knee means my right leg is still intact.  I'm a step ahead of many others who have learned to cope far better than I have.

I had an extraordinarily lovely weekend with my son's widow, her new husband and two of my grandchildren.  I was made to feel welcome, treated graciously and am looking forward with them to the arrival of a new baby girl in September.  It seems that it was just yesterday that their world along with mine fell totally apart.  We all carry the pain of the loss of my son in our own ways, however when I visit, I see a loving family functioning better than I ever dreamt might be possible.  I have a new "step-son-in-law" (I have no idea what the politically correct term is for Dustin) who impresses me more and more as time goes by as I get to know him better.  He is a blessing most specifically to Jessica and the kids, and to all of us who love them.  There was a time I had no idea how I would ever come to love the man that stepped in where my son used to live, but now I can't imagine how I couldn't.  What an amazing turn around!

I let a friend down this week by not being able to be with her due to my present physical limitations.  I think I let another down last week as I was having a really "down" week and tend to go underground when that happens and not communicate as I should.  And I scared another one to death on a bad night by actually revealing how I felt during my low times, something that I don't usually share.  Nothing extreme, not to worry, but just out of character, I think; I hope. I hate doing that as I have so many wonderful people in my life who have been by my side, have encouraged me and loved me even when I haven't carried my load.

I am behind.  Behind on my yard work.  Behind on my housework.  I feel as if I'm just running to catch up most of the time.  Between the physical issues I'm having and having a little down spell last week, my motivation is skimming the top of the rug.  Too bad it doesn't have suction so it could act as a vacuum as it lays there.  But I will pull it all together and eventually catch up.  I generally do.

Was my life always so up and down and did I not realize it because I had someone to help share the load and talk things through with?  Someone who would be my soft place to fall and encourage me?  I honestly don't know.  I know what I miss but I also know I am capable.  My grandmother was widowed when she was 42 and never remarried and was remarkable in what she achieved and how she lived her life.  I wish I could ask her how she did it.  I never had more questions for my parents either.  I wonder if I'm becoming a crazy old lady or whether what I experience at this point in my life is normal.  I'm really nervous as on my next birthday I will be as old as my mother was when she died.  She was in better shape than me.  Will I see the other side of 2018?

Random thoughts and ramblings on this June evening.  It's almost 1 p.m. and I have to work tomorrow.  Remember that part about being gracious with your coworkers?  If I don't go in seek of sleep I'll have to keep my door closed tomorrow!

I hope someone out there is brave enough to say I'm not crazy - that things like this go through everyone's head at night.  Not my issues specifically, but all the crazy randomness - and I didn't even mention planning my grocery list when I was trying to sleep earlier.

I'll sign off with my signature "Sweet Dreams" friends.  I wish that for each of you, tonight and always.  Good night, sleep tight.  Don't let the bedbugs bite!  Tomorrow is a brand new beginning.