It's in the later hours of the night that it all catches up with me. Little things. Funny things. Crazy things. Things from my past. Things that bring back memories of a time that I felt safe. Memories of knowing I would wake and be able to say good morning to someone who was happy to see me and share the day with me.
We're told not to let a job define us; not to let our role as a parent define us; not to let our financial status define us, etc., etc. Well how in the hell can that not happen to some degree? Difficult, but I know believe it's how we manage ourselves in each of those situations that define us. I believe the secret is in knowing who you are and not letting any title suck you in. Don't be the concession stand lady who complains about having to be there; be Sandra who helps in the concession stand, who enjoys making the kids laugh and interacting with the parents. After all, it's one of the joys of sharing your child's life that will be over way before you even knew it began. Don't go to work and compare what you do, what your title is, how much you make compared to everyone else. Do what you were hired to do and if it remains what you expected it to be when you so desperately wanted the job, be grateful you have it. If it no longer suits you, find something else. It doesn't matter what goes on with others around you. And don't begrudge other's success; rejoice with them in their achievements! And be sensitive to their tough times. If you can treat them with at least as much consideration as you want the people in your family to have, you will have a good work experience. And the bonus is you don't have to go home with them! And vice versa when you get home. Often times we can find ourselves being more pleasant with the cashier at the grocery than the first person who asks "what's for dinner?" when you walk in the door, tired after a long day at work. I have been figuring out how to no longer be someones wife. It's a crazy, scary thing at my age. One minute I think how fortunate I am in that the world is my oyster and I can do what I want. Yet I hope one day to find someone who would like to join me on my adventure. Online dating? Yep, tried it. Can't say I'm a fan. Don't know how or when I might stumble across the man who will appreciate me and find my quirkiness and crazy heart attractive, but if it's God's plan, I will. Until then I need to just continue working on how I define myself at this time in my life.
I heard the frogs out, croaking loudly after the storm had passed through last night. I so badly wished I was in my childhood bedroom where my window could be open to fall asleep to their symphony, along with the crickets and that wonderfully fresh scent that wafts through the window after a storm.
I heard Eva Cassidy sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" as I pulled into my addition tonight. I did have to sit in the car to hear the end. I wondered who would remember to be sure that is played when I die. I think someone will, probably.
I have struggled mightily with some physical pain this week. No relief with any pain and the need to be creative and uncomplaining to manage what needs to be managed while you're frightened, lonely and exhausted is a challenge. But having pain in my hip and knee means my right leg is still intact. I'm a step ahead of many others who have learned to cope far better than I have.
I had an extraordinarily lovely weekend with my son's widow, her new husband and two of my grandchildren. I was made to feel welcome, treated graciously and am looking forward with them to the arrival of a new baby girl in September. It seems that it was just yesterday that their world along with mine fell totally apart. We all carry the pain of the loss of my son in our own ways, however when I visit, I see a loving family functioning better than I ever dreamt might be possible. I have a new "step-son-in-law" (I have no idea what the politically correct term is for Dustin) who impresses me more and more as time goes by as I get to know him better. He is a blessing most specifically to Jessica and the kids, and to all of us who love them. There was a time I had no idea how I would ever come to love the man that stepped in where my son used to live, but now I can't imagine how I couldn't. What an amazing turn around!
I let a friend down this week by not being able to be with her due to my present physical limitations. I think I let another down last week as I was having a really "down" week and tend to go underground when that happens and not communicate as I should. And I scared another one to death on a bad night by actually revealing how I felt during my low times, something that I don't usually share. Nothing extreme, not to worry, but just out of character, I think; I hope. I hate doing that as I have so many wonderful people in my life who have been by my side, have encouraged me and loved me even when I haven't carried my load.
I am behind. Behind on my yard work. Behind on my housework. I feel as if I'm just running to catch up most of the time. Between the physical issues I'm having and having a little down spell last week, my motivation is skimming the top of the rug. Too bad it doesn't have suction so it could act as a vacuum as it lays there. But I will pull it all together and eventually catch up. I generally do.
Was my life always so up and down and did I not realize it because I had someone to help share the load and talk things through with? Someone who would be my soft place to fall and encourage me? I honestly don't know. I know what I miss but I also know I am capable. My grandmother was widowed when she was 42 and never remarried and was remarkable in what she achieved and how she lived her life. I wish I could ask her how she did it. I never had more questions for my parents either. I wonder if I'm becoming a crazy old lady or whether what I experience at this point in my life is normal. I'm really nervous as on my next birthday I will be as old as my mother was when she died. She was in better shape than me. Will I see the other side of 2018?
Random thoughts and ramblings on this June evening. It's almost 1 p.m. and I have to work tomorrow. Remember that part about being gracious with your coworkers? If I don't go in seek of sleep I'll have to keep my door closed tomorrow!
I hope someone out there is brave enough to say I'm not crazy - that things like this go through everyone's head at night. Not my issues specifically, but all the crazy randomness - and I didn't even mention planning my grocery list when I was trying to sleep earlier.
I'll sign off with my signature "Sweet Dreams" friends. I wish that for each of you, tonight and always. Good night, sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite! Tomorrow is a brand new beginning.
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