Oh What a Ride aka I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

Check that.  Make that a LOT of help from my friends.  Since October 22 it has been roller coaster season in my life.  This is a period of time that has too many dates that have tremendous sentiment and/or pain associated with them.  It officially ended on February 20, the anniversary of the day Adam was buried.  There are a few others scattered throughout the rest of the year but in this 5 month period due to birthdays, death dates, funeral dates and four fairly major holidays, the roller coasters are running at top speed in my little corner of the world.

I'm happy to report that with a few exceptions, I'm relieved to see those little cars that can give you such a rush be put to rest for a good little bit.  That's not to say that there haven't been good things during that period as well; there have been.  I've had some wonderful times and experiences during these past five months.  Mostly I've learned more about me.  Wouldn't you think by now that I would be on a more intimate level with who I am?  Yet I continue to discover new things as I evolve through these past few years.

I've learned that some people have agendas.  Some people pay lip service to what they think you want for their own agenda, whatever the hell that may be.  (I actually think I'm putting it together, but hate it, because the more puzzle pieces fit, the more used I feel.)  However not everyone has a bad agenda.  I have learned to trust my gut more and not err on the side of caution but certainly pay attention to the red flags!

I've learned you're never too old for new friends.  I have a new, dear friend who is on her very own journey and has been working long and hard at it for years.  I believe she has finally come to a place where she is truly discovering the beautiful being that has resided within her.  I believe she is becoming acquainted with that amazing girl/woman that was pushed to the side without nearly the acknowledgement her exquisite self is entitled to.  Beyond all of that joy, she has picked me up to take me along for the ride and share her experience and tools so that I may continue to grow as well.  Her presence has been that bar that locks down over your waist on the coaster car for me, before we take off.  She helps to ground me.

I've learned that nothing in the world replaces long time, steadfast and true friends.  These are the friends who take turns riding with me, whether they love roller coasters or not.  They show up without fail, some on appointed, recurring days, others as they can and feel the need.  They strap in beside me and hunker down and scream and cry and laugh with me.   They take care of me in case the whole ride makes me feel sick and sit with me as I recover with words that soothe and settle not just the tummy but the soul.  Some of them ride WAY more than they ever planned to and you ladies know who you are.  But it is due to all of you that I have the courage to go back through the turnstile every day because I have never been alone.  If I have, it was solely due to my own choosing.  More often than not, I choose to have you and not one of you has ever failed me.

I've learned that I am blessed with unconditional love beyond what my parents and husband had for me.  My family - my loving, generous, funny, caring family I consider my seat belt.  Sometimes they ride along too.  I know that whether they are there or not in person, all that we have shared, all the love and concern and history that bonds us keeps me rooted and safe.  I know that they are with me, whether I can see them or not.  The most important thing is that I feel them there even when they are ever so far away physically.  I am forever safe with them.

Finally I've learned to keep living.  There is the excitement of meeting new people.  Sometimes you're not sure just yet where they are going to fit and whether they are going to stay, but they are people whose presence right now I thoroughly enjoy.  People who challenge me intellectually, who challenge my wit, my spirit and my courage are worth getting to know.  People who fit that description are the only ones who even need apply at this point.  How and where they belong remains to be seen, but it's good to have them in the equation.  They are the rush as we climb to the top.  They will attempt an adventure with me.   They seem to enjoy me even in my genuine, clumsy, trusting, absurd state!  My only hope is that they don't disappear when it gets scary, but at the least can take my hand as a friend on the way down.  I have the rest of the posse in place to do the hard work! 

So what happens in the off season?  I'd like to borrow from the USMC and say improvise, adapt and overcome, but that is my "in season" mode.  Off season needs to be for research, regrouping, refreshing, relaxing.  It needs to be when I take care of business to my fullest potential and bank what I can in case I need it over the next winter.  Every year I find that I am able to save more and the ride is just a little less frightening.  I find that I am able to relax more and know that I'm not doing any of this alone.  As I've stated many times before, and will repeat again because it bears repeating - "the joy in anything is in sharing it with someone else".  Thanks Dad for that.  It's a blessing and a curse, just as the roller coaster goes up and down and around and around.  There is nothing in this life that seems to be so simple.  It's okay.  I now travel with the best people in the world, a willing spirit, a love of adventure, and a barf bag just in case.  Good to go.  Thanks for coming with me.

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?

I have had some tough stuff in the past few weeks; some physical, some emotional and some just regular crappy day to day stuff.  It's also a tough time when I look at the calendar.  So many days in the last 3 weeks that mark events are associated with heartbreak.  Given all of that, my sincerest resolve this year has been to make the shift from sadness to celebration.  And whaddayaknow?  It seems to be working!  I remember just a year ago, two specific holidays hurt more than any others - Valentine's Day and Mother's Day.  I choose to not let that happen in 2018.  It has nothing to do with how much I loved, how lonely I can be, how I miss certain people or how hard things have been for me.  It has to do with so much more.

I have made a conscious decision to change because first and foremost, only I am responsible for my very own happiness.  I have the power to still find joy in life even when I have unpleasant issues to deal with.  Let me say that again, just because it makes me so happy!  I HAVE THE POWER TO STILL FIND JOY IN LIFE, EVEN WHEN I HAVE UNPLEASANT ISSUES TO DEAL WITH!  Sorry - it just felt so good, it bears repeating with caps and a beautiful blue color!  Now, let me get back to the rest of the story!  (Didn't you love Paul Harvey?  Sorry, my ADD is showing!  😵)

Back to it......while I have always known that even with what has been placed upon my plate, I also have been incredibly blessed.  I also know, that having been raised in a "Walton's Mountain" environment where love superseded everything else and I was surrounded with people who showered that love on my sisters and me, I am luckier than so very many.  I could tally up the things that have gone awry in my life but it would not even begin to be a fraction of what has gone right.  So why continue to do it?  We all know the definition of insanity, and whether or not that applies to me is not being polled right now - sorry guys!  On any given day I love to be crazy happy, crazy fun, crazy loving, but never just crazy.  Not happening.  Crazy will not be my noun, it will be my adjective.
I'm rambling because this is such a triumphant moment for me and I hope you'll bear with me.  I'm going to go all over the place, but I promise to tie it up in a beautiful red bow before I end!

I was reminded recently by the incredible woman who has been my friend for 54 years.  She is someone I admire beyond words, who loves me enough to be honest with me and I can take what she offers because it is straight from her heart, with simple purity and love and concern for me.  She reminded me, very appropriately not so very long ago that I should never forget that even though I have had heartbreak, I still have the most amazing life.  Damn straight I have!  And in their own ways, there is my friend of 30+ years who offers the same love and concern and honesty, along with Marine moms, and women I know only through FB, and my sons' babysitter, and the mother of one of Adam's girlfriends, my sisters, my family, my coworkers, my hometown friends, coworkers from other employers, and the list goes on.

I came home tonight to a beautiful card, and a beautiful gift, from two different people reminding that they were thinking of me this week, meaning that they have not forgotten Adam, or me.  I make it hard to forget me with all of my FB posts, I know, but my greatest fear is that Adam will be forgotten.  Guess what else?  Ain't happening!!!!  Who am I kidding?  He was a joyful, funny, intelligent, loving, devoted, ornery, brave father, husband, son, brother, relative, friend, Marine, and last but not least, pain in the ass.  I have been shown how many lives he touched beyond what I knew and my guess is that for every one I am aware of, there is another I'm not.  I don't have to carry that torch anymore.

If you know me, you know my affinity for all things Wizard of Oz and how I relate so much to the story and how Somewhere Over the Rainbow is one of my all time favorite songs.  I wanted to be more frugal this year and quite getting manicures, but the week I was going to quit, I realized I wanted my nails to look really nice for an occasion where I wanted to look my best.  Therefore I just chose to go to my hair salon and get another one instead of where I had been going.  And guess yet again!  I LOVED the nail tech (Rita) and I LOVE being in my salon.  Now I have never been a fan of nail art, but in talking and Rita showing me what she can do, I decided that I wanted her to stamp broken hearts on my "accent fingers" for Valentine's Day.  I knew I wanted them for a specific reason that wasn't sad, but figured others wouldn't see it that way.  When I got there this evening, she had a sparkly red chosen and a white base for the other two fingers to have the broken hearts put on.  All I could see, delightfully so, was Dorothy's ruby slippers reminding me that I don't need to go looking for my heart's desire when it's been in my backyard all along.  I'm snapping those sparkly red fingers just as you might click your heels in ruby slippers.  And when I do that those broken hearts are no longer sad, but powerful reminders of great love, and my growing strength.  And voila!  I'm wearing my own encouragement!

Surprise!  Broken hearts can mend.  You can sustain loss and pain and sorrow.  And you have a choice.  You can drown in it, or you can choose to embrace it, acknowledge it and go forward stronger, smarter, with a bigger heart.  The only reason I could not recover is because I would choose not to.  NOT HAPPENING!

Have you ever admired a mosaic?  I love them.  Think about how beautiful a mosaic is and what has it been created from?  Broken glass, broken dishes, broken pottery.  Something beautiful broke, but someone took those pieces and understood that the joy in those pieces was not meant to be gone, but meant to be revived in a totally different medium.  This is my best analogy for missing someone who has gone on without you.  I hope you see it too.

I have some sucky things that have happened, that are happening even still.  But I also have way more exciting things, people, love and joy in my life.  I can't stay stuck.  I am choosing joy.  I am choosing life.  I am choosing celebration.  Which brings me back to those two punishing holidays I have disliked so much.  Losing my son on Valentine's Day felt doubly cruel.  Missing my dad on his Valentine Birthday has been sad.  Burying my grandfather on Valentine's Day seemed harsh.  Missing my late husband on Valentine's Day has been lonely.  But it finally came together for me this year.  I said "Sandra, you big dummy!  What is Valentine's Day all about?  Love!"  Cue forehead slap.  Those losses are reminders of some of the greatest love that has been bestowed upon me.  Celebrate that!  There are women who were never able to bear a child and know the joy my son brought to my life.  Some have never married, or married the right one and understand what a true partner in marriage is.  Some never knew their fathers or grandfathers, or had less than stellar ones.  But not me.  I could not have asked for more and probably got more than I had a right to.  That bears celebrating!  So instead of grinding my teeth, rolling my eyes, or muttering a curse when everywhere I turn I see lovers and flowers and romance, I'm going to smile and take a piece of my shattered heart and place it in the most beautiful mosaic my life is becoming.  If you're reading this, your piece will be in that mosaic as well, for I carry you with me.  I'll deal with Mother's Day after I've finished celebrating Valentine's Day!

I finally have figured it out.  How do you mend a broken heart?  It's simple.  You CHOOSE to, with love, with joy and with gratitude.  Happy Valentine's Day my loves!  Happy Valentine's Day to you, with all of my healing heart!