Finding My Power Along the Yellow Brick Road

Ah, this writing comes in spurts.  Just as the good and the bad in life kind of hit in cycles, so does my ability to express myself.  I'd like to think that the writing comes more easily when I myself am in a "better" place and not wrought up with nerves and worry and despair.  Yep.  I said it.  Despair.  I know I preach positivity and faith and all things good.  And I'm not lying when I go there.  But the truth is, I have some very deep, dark days from time to time and when that happens everything gets bound up, all knotted and gnarled and so hard to unravel, that I'm the one who becomes unraveled in trying to cope.  (And we all know that does NO one any good!)  As time goes by, I'm learning what tools I need to keep close and how to cleanse myself of what I need to carry and what I don't.  I'm learning that contrary to everything ever said about a woman, she can learn to compartmentalize.  It doesn't mean that something totally unconnected won't still be a trigger elsewhere i.e. a scent that was particularly dear to her, or an expression, or a particular sports team on a winning streak; goofy things really.  But with great determination and focus, you can teach this old dog new tricks!

Everyone knows as the calendar goes, I am in the throes of some of my hardest days.  Reasonable or unreasonable, the feelings are there, therefore it is a fact.  I, more than anyone, am anxious to change that.  I have recently discovered several new, very helpful tools of a variety of manner that are becoming VERY helpful.  I am using essential oils.  They don't change situations, but they can help calm my body and mind so that my reactions are less frantic.  I have found a new philosophy on how to cleanse myself of negativity that I've held on to, specifically regarding myself, that is proving to be incredibly therapeutic; and because I can do it myself, it saves lots of co-pays!  And I am learning to relax and rely more on God.  I have a deep and profound faith, but I don't always want to give God the time He needs for what He has in mind for me as opposed to what I want NOW!  The more I am able to calm myself, the more pliable I become for what He has planned.

What I have learned about these times when I am able to achieve stillness within myself, I am able to be cognizant of what I search for so relentlessly, which is reassurance.  Reassurance in what?  In everything.  I want to be reassured that those I love who have gone before me are at peace and still with me in spirit.  I want to be reassured that I am not as alone as I feel so much of the time.  I want to be reassured that I am not just some goofy old broad who has become so self absorbed that I no longer am relevant to anything or anyone.  I want to be reassured that I do have a bright future still to look forward to.  I want to be reassured that I am lovable even though I have no one to tell me every day.  And guess what's in my way of achieving all of that????  Me!!!

I do want to share an experience I had last night, as Sunday was not an especially good day for me, and Monday was the lowest day I may have ever had in my life.  There was total meltdown for many reasons.  I had no choice but to allow it and even by the end of the day to embrace it.  By the evening I was tired of it, yet I knew it was real and had to be dealt with just as sure as filing taxes; unpleasant but necessary.  I was able to communicate with some people I love and trust beyond words and the message from them was the same, even though they live miles apart and all know me from very different places.  The key though, is that they DO know me.  Tuesday I got up and went to work, still feeling a little "off" but resolved that a new day has brand new opportunities.  I employed the tools I've been gathering in my own little "survival toolbox", carried it with me throughout the day and utilized it as necessary.  By bedtime last night, I was feeling better than I have in a long while, as well as exhausted and ready to sleep (which is a bonus for me!)  I have created a new bedtime ritual and after applying and diffusing some oils, reading some scripture, some inspirational words, centering my breathing with my core and a little Hawaiian philosophy, I was out like a light, to the soothing music I have on Pandora.  Somewhere in the night I awoke, (or maybe just dreamed I awoke - it matters not as it was incredibly real to me either way), to Michael Jackson singing "You Are Not Alone".  I did not open my eyes, but I heard the entire song.  When it was over, I slipped right back into the same deep sleep I woke from.  As morning arrived and I woke up, I know that whether that was a dream or real, I had just received some of that darned reassurance I so long for.  And it's nothing I don't know.  I haven't learned to trust myself, to love myself or believe in myself as fully as this life requires to become the champion I know I carry inside.

The irony that "The Wizard of Oz" and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" have always been my favorites and almost my signature movie and song, a fact that is not lost on me.  I have a beautiful print hanging in my office that is now also officially another tool (maybe a crowbar) to pry me out of my quicksand thinking.  "You've always had the power my dear.....you just had to learn it for yourself."  I realize that I am Dorothy, the scarecrow, and cowardly lion all tied up.  I have the heart, but I don't always use my brain, or have the courage, or believe that I can manage on my own.  The tin man I have covered, as I lead with my heart.  I just need to pull back that darn curtain and remove myself from the crazy controls and use what has already been given to me, by God, my family and friends.  Move over Elphaba, you wicked witch....I'm about to take the yellow brick road like the good witch I am!