Finding My Power Along the Yellow Brick Road

Ah, this writing comes in spurts.  Just as the good and the bad in life kind of hit in cycles, so does my ability to express myself.  I'd like to think that the writing comes more easily when I myself am in a "better" place and not wrought up with nerves and worry and despair.  Yep.  I said it.  Despair.  I know I preach positivity and faith and all things good.  And I'm not lying when I go there.  But the truth is, I have some very deep, dark days from time to time and when that happens everything gets bound up, all knotted and gnarled and so hard to unravel, that I'm the one who becomes unraveled in trying to cope.  (And we all know that does NO one any good!)  As time goes by, I'm learning what tools I need to keep close and how to cleanse myself of what I need to carry and what I don't.  I'm learning that contrary to everything ever said about a woman, she can learn to compartmentalize.  It doesn't mean that something totally unconnected won't still be a trigger elsewhere i.e. a scent that was particularly dear to her, or an expression, or a particular sports team on a winning streak; goofy things really.  But with great determination and focus, you can teach this old dog new tricks!

Everyone knows as the calendar goes, I am in the throes of some of my hardest days.  Reasonable or unreasonable, the feelings are there, therefore it is a fact.  I, more than anyone, am anxious to change that.  I have recently discovered several new, very helpful tools of a variety of manner that are becoming VERY helpful.  I am using essential oils.  They don't change situations, but they can help calm my body and mind so that my reactions are less frantic.  I have found a new philosophy on how to cleanse myself of negativity that I've held on to, specifically regarding myself, that is proving to be incredibly therapeutic; and because I can do it myself, it saves lots of co-pays!  And I am learning to relax and rely more on God.  I have a deep and profound faith, but I don't always want to give God the time He needs for what He has in mind for me as opposed to what I want NOW!  The more I am able to calm myself, the more pliable I become for what He has planned.

What I have learned about these times when I am able to achieve stillness within myself, I am able to be cognizant of what I search for so relentlessly, which is reassurance.  Reassurance in what?  In everything.  I want to be reassured that those I love who have gone before me are at peace and still with me in spirit.  I want to be reassured that I am not as alone as I feel so much of the time.  I want to be reassured that I am not just some goofy old broad who has become so self absorbed that I no longer am relevant to anything or anyone.  I want to be reassured that I do have a bright future still to look forward to.  I want to be reassured that I am lovable even though I have no one to tell me every day.  And guess what's in my way of achieving all of that????  Me!!!

I do want to share an experience I had last night, as Sunday was not an especially good day for me, and Monday was the lowest day I may have ever had in my life.  There was total meltdown for many reasons.  I had no choice but to allow it and even by the end of the day to embrace it.  By the evening I was tired of it, yet I knew it was real and had to be dealt with just as sure as filing taxes; unpleasant but necessary.  I was able to communicate with some people I love and trust beyond words and the message from them was the same, even though they live miles apart and all know me from very different places.  The key though, is that they DO know me.  Tuesday I got up and went to work, still feeling a little "off" but resolved that a new day has brand new opportunities.  I employed the tools I've been gathering in my own little "survival toolbox", carried it with me throughout the day and utilized it as necessary.  By bedtime last night, I was feeling better than I have in a long while, as well as exhausted and ready to sleep (which is a bonus for me!)  I have created a new bedtime ritual and after applying and diffusing some oils, reading some scripture, some inspirational words, centering my breathing with my core and a little Hawaiian philosophy, I was out like a light, to the soothing music I have on Pandora.  Somewhere in the night I awoke, (or maybe just dreamed I awoke - it matters not as it was incredibly real to me either way), to Michael Jackson singing "You Are Not Alone".  I did not open my eyes, but I heard the entire song.  When it was over, I slipped right back into the same deep sleep I woke from.  As morning arrived and I woke up, I know that whether that was a dream or real, I had just received some of that darned reassurance I so long for.  And it's nothing I don't know.  I haven't learned to trust myself, to love myself or believe in myself as fully as this life requires to become the champion I know I carry inside.

The irony that "The Wizard of Oz" and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" have always been my favorites and almost my signature movie and song, a fact that is not lost on me.  I have a beautiful print hanging in my office that is now also officially another tool (maybe a crowbar) to pry me out of my quicksand thinking.  "You've always had the power my dear.....you just had to learn it for yourself."  I realize that I am Dorothy, the scarecrow, and cowardly lion all tied up.  I have the heart, but I don't always use my brain, or have the courage, or believe that I can manage on my own.  The tin man I have covered, as I lead with my heart.  I just need to pull back that darn curtain and remove myself from the crazy controls and use what has already been given to me, by God, my family and friends.  Move over Elphaba, you wicked witch....I'm about to take the yellow brick road like the good witch I am!

Let There Be Light.......

It's that time of year.  I'm headed straight into the hardest month of the year for me emotionally.  People (and even my own rational brain sometimes) tell me to not let it get to me.  That these days are just days, not unlike any other day of the year.  True enough I suppose.  However, these two particular days that I'm facing soon, have never been "any other day of the year".  January 22.  Adam's birthday.  I think, without question, this is the toughest.  This is when, for his entire life, I woke my son up by singing Happy Birthday, without fail, no matter where he was.  I still sing it and hope somewhere he hears me.  This was "our" day.  It was a day that he and I shared exclusively in our own way for 33 years.  I was a single mother, giving birth to this beautiful boy, and it was the two of us against the world for a time. His birthday is a remembrance of one of the two greatest gifts God has ever blessed me with.  I have had the incredible fortune to have the very dearest of friends with me for his birthday since he died.  They are making their pilgrimage to me again, but this year his birthday falls on a weekday and I'm worried about how I cope with that.  Have I grown enough to do that day alone?  Can I go to work and not be a mess?  It's so hard to explain to anyone who has not lost a child.  I don't mean to be needy, or emotionally overwrought, or nuts.  I think sometimes, I try TOO hard to overcome it all and maybe no longer give in to the pain when I need to.  Everyone wants me to be better.  I want to be better.  But what if I'm not?  What if I never will be?

Then comes Valentine's Day.  Odd that just three weeks to the day on the calendar after I remember Adam on his birthday, comes the day he left this earth for heaven.  Valentine's Day.  My dad's birthday.  The day my grandfather was buried.  The day for lovers.  A stark reminder that I now am no longer part of a couple, but instead a widow.  The day that is glorified for weeks on the radio, TV, Internet and everywhere else to celebrate with the one that you love.  Marketing is harsh for those who grieve and are lonely.

I'm not writing this for the purpose of pity.  This is my purging.  No one wants to listen to me whine about how I dread this dreary time of year.  But I have to get it out of my being and onto paper.  I have to expel some of the angst that I carry with me about this.  And if I write it, I will share it, for those who are in the same boat I am, as so many of my newer friends are.  But if you're tired of it, it's so simple; you just don't have to read it.

I've known people in my life who have lost children prior to my son's death.  Some very close to me.  And even then, I knew I couldn't understand it and I marveled at how there didn't seem to be a script for it.  Everyone managed differently.  Everyone did the best that they could.  And they all were in very different places.  Sometimes I feel that parents who have buried the children are the walking dead.  Make no mistake, something very real dies within you when your child dies before you.  And it is my job to be sure that I don't let that death inside cause everything else to rot inside me and around me.  It takes more nurturing than gardening and I never had much patience for that either.

This past six months or so, I have worked VERY hard at trying to establish a new normal.  I have made a habit of putting myself back into the rhythm of life beyond my home and my job.  I have gone many places, spent time with many people and can say that most of the time I have had an absolutely delightful time.  The difference is that I used to be able to do those things and go home and still feel fulfilled.  Home now is just a shelter.  It is not necessarily a respite.  It is a place where I spend time I don't have scheduled, where the chores never end, where I sleep and where very few people come to visit.  It is where the mask comes off and the pain of my reality comes back to haunt me.  I feel that "home" eludes me as home is where your heart is, is it not?  And my heart is truly adrift.

I've shared before that the most accurate definition I've read about grief is this:  "Grief is love with nowhere to go".  I don't know who authored that but it is spot on.  I have so much love that needs a receptacle, but that is not easy either.  I have so many people in my life already that I love and who love me.  But that love already has been budgeted and is accounted for.  The problem is now after losing my husband and son I have a surplus.  And as much as I want to be able to share that with someone, I am equally terrified.  Love requires risk.  Love has brought me my greatest joys, but also my greatest sorrows.  I am learning, very slowly, to let go of the fear of being hurt again.  I have decided that the greatest tragedy would be to live without loving fully again.  Will it happen for me?  Only God knows.  I believe it might.  I don't know with whom or when, but there is always a chance.

I am my own worst enemy and harshest critic.  I over think, I worry, I doubt and I mourn.  And I think sometimes the reason I am so very lost in this is because that is so counter to my personality.  I love to laugh, I love to be with people, I love to have fun, I love to live.  So.  It's time to think of all I've overcome in the past, draw on that, and arm myself with what I know works and shrug off what doesn't.  May I find the grace to grant myself the same patience and tenderness I would willingly give to others.  May I find the courage to know I will be not just okay, but good in this life, whether I go it alone or find someone to share my life with.  May these special days bring more smiles of happy memories than tears of sorrow for what I missed.  May I be grateful more for what I have been given than what I have lost.  I will continue to go forward into the next month armed with my faith, the care and concern of those who love me, and a desire to do better and be better.  God decided that many close to me should die before me.  He did not sentence me to death.  I need to be about the business of living, fully, in love and in light as He has willed it so.  And with His help and grace, I will find my way.  During this dark month, I will use Matthew 5:15 as my inspiration; "Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house".  

Happy Birthday Adam.  Happy Valentine's Day to everyone I love.  This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine........