Change

As life moves on as you work to adjust to your "new normal" (a term I'd like to find an alternate for), there are other ups and downs, just as there were in your life "before".  I saw the best meme a couple of weeks ago that defines how life is now.

In any case, while your life is upside down and you have learned many life lessons recently that others before you have had to take in, there are always those who are oblivious to how things change.  I have to admit, that I have realized I have been ignorant in many areas and still am in others.  If you have not had certain life experiences, it is impossible to know how another really feels, to know how to interact as sympathetically as possible.  Before I married a veteran and had a son join the military, I thought I was patriotic.  And I was, as much as I was capable of being without understanding the personal investment that others make.  You can't know that intimately until it's one of your own.   I've learned that there are some who will jump on the bandwagon with you, but have no idea what it is to have that person on your mind the first thing when you wake up or the last when you go to sleep.  To hear the news that troops have lost lives and wait with your breath held for 24 hours, hoping that sedan does not pull up to your door.  As a consequence, you then pray that it won't be one of your numerous Marine family friends getting the news.  Moreover, you also then feel guilty because you know someone is getting that news and realize that by not wishing for it to be you, you by default are wishing it on someone else.  That hurts because you don't want anyone to lose a child.  It's like having no idea how much your parents truly loved you until you had a child of your own.  You couldn't.  There was no way for you to conceive of that notion.  And so it is for many who are well intended, but ignorant of which they speak.  Dependent upon what is said and who said it determines how tolerantly I respond, or think of whatever has occurred.  It's an interesting change which has caused a lot of self-reflection on my part of where I failed previously in situations, without intending to or even realizing it.  I'm not saying I'm beating myself up, but it's worth pondering.  I had a lovely little nun in grade school who always said, "Remember, when you are pointing your finger at someone else, three other fingers are pointing back at you!"  True that.

I snapped this photo yesterday morning as I was getting ready to leave for work.  The sky was just so incredibly beautiful, and all I could think was that God was blessing us with just a bit of his artistry and that it truly HAD to be a wonderful day.  I set off with that intention - for we can make days good or bad you know.  Our happiness rests within us, but that should be an entirely separate blog!

Let's say that the day had some interaction that was less than joyous, and was truly very difficult and emotional for me.  I had decisions to make.  While in many ways, the last year and a half have made me far more tolerant in many areas, oddly enough, I am far less tolerant of what is not good or healthy for me or those I care about.  I no longer have the energy to expend fighting battles that can't be won.  I no longer have the time to surround myself with others who judge too quickly and point fingers or are demanding beyond what I am capable of.  That can be very painful, because you can love people who have those character traits and when you were stronger you could handle it.  Or, conversely, is it because you are stronger, you no longer feel that you have to handle it?  There's a change, and I believe it to be a good one, but I can't quite identify the catalyst of that change yet.

I am learning things every day.  I am not yet fully engaged every day.  Some days I am.  Other days not so much.  I'm trying very hard to be aware.  Sometimes I feel as if this winter is one of hibernation, getting the rest for restoration of spirit and strength so that I can resurface soon.  Probably a prettier analogy would be that I'm cocooned of late, and moving into the chrysalis stage so that soon I can fly as lightly as a butterfly.  Wouldn't that be cool, because I never could fly before!?!?!?!  The point is, with all that has happened, much of it very painful, I am learning wonderful things about people and life.  I'm a bit embarrassed because you would think that on the brink of my 60th year I would have more of that knowledge.  What can I tell you - except that for so long in many ways my life has been so blessed and my faith was strong enough that I was able to manage what came my way without hesitation.  Until November of 2014 and February of 2015.

Interestingly enough, one of the people I learn the most from is my daughter-in-law.  How she has managed in the past year has been nothing short of amazing.  And she continues to strive to put herself in God's hands and live in the light, courageous and strong.  She inspires me.  She's always been great, but watching her pull herself together and become stronger and more outspoken for all the right reasons is like a time release video of a flower coming to full bloom.  And I feel that I have the same potential.  Things can change in a heartbeat and sometimes it's like water on a stone.  But there is always change and if I've learned anything, it's that I want to be on the right side of it.  I want to live in the light, always.  That means living authentically for you and those you love.  That also means that there may be some casualties along the way.  Think of your five senses - and use "what" and "how".  If you change what and how you see, hear, speak, taste and touch, it could revolutionize your life.  Now I would probably have a stroke if I take them all on at once, but maybe God needed to somehow slow me down and have me come to my own realizations about what is good for me.  And how I can be good for other people.  And that means no more ice cream before bed, and more vegetables during the day.  That means more time in prayer and less time gossiping.  That means really listening instead of being anxious for my turn to talk, or going over your grocery list in your head.  It means every interaction with someone could be your last.  Make it authentic so you have no regrets.  It means looking out your door and seeing the wonder of God's world and knowing that you need to suck it up that minute because it may not be visible later.  The wonder is still there, but it may manifest itself in another way - just as it did when I took the same picture outside my door when I returned from work last night.

Not a bad view - but different.  Bringing with it different chores, different responses.  It definitely had changed.  In just over 9 hours.  Life can change in an instant.  For most of us continuing on our own journeys, it's more like water on a stone.  But all it really takes is a purpose, and resolve.  I found my purpose when I met my husband and he made me believe in myself again.  That put me on a course that allows me now to not be angry at God, but to believe there is a time to every purpose under heaven.

I love Indiana because of how the weather changes.  I never choose the same color of nail polish twice, because there are so many beautiful colors to experience.  I normally give my hair dresser carte blanche because it's so much more fun to change things up.  I have been forced into changes that I didn't exactly welcome, but truth be told, I see the potential to continue to evolve as a result of experiencing the events in my life the last 18 months.  One of the things that my sons heard from me more than maybe anything was that doing the right thing often was the hardest thing.  Being authentic takes courage and a finely tuned ability to try not to hurt others as you pursue what is best for you in your life.  But you have to also learn to let go.  Let go of past hurts, let go of people's judgment, let go of all that doesn't allow you to be a better, kinder, gentler, legitimate you.

I like half full glasses.  I like lemonade in my half full glass.  (I like wine in the half full glass too but I don't know a cliche to fit that!)  I want to live and continue to be the best me I can be.  I like surprises - at least most of the time when they're happy ones.  I like that I know that God promised that I will never be alone and that the people I take with me never allow that either.  I am changed, and continually changing.  I am blessed and hope to be a blessing to others.  Change is hard for people, but as I always told Adam and Chad, the right thing is never the easiest thing and the best course is to always do the right thing for the right reasons.  It's time to walk the walk.  But bringing an umbrella and jacket just in case the weather changes!