Finding My Way

My name is Sandra.  I am a mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, friend and was a daughter.  I have wonderful family and the best of friends, but my life's journey, although until recently, felt fairly unremarkable. However, looking back, I am realizing two things.  First that I have been weathering storms for a while; and next, that more people than we realize or than will share with us, go down parallel roads every day.  And just maybe, if I share mine, maybe others will share theirs.  Maybe they will take comfort in realizing that they are not alone.  It is my hope that maybe we can share our travelogues and learn from each other on this life's journey.

I am the oldest of four daughters, born into a wonderful family - maternally and paternally.  Love was abundant.  Growing up, I wasn't aware of any issues.  Life was safe, warm, carefree and centered on family.  I thought everyone had what we had.  Looking back, life felt abundant.  I know now it wasn't materially, but it certainly was in all of the important ways.  My parents were teachers, so we far from wealthy, but they were resourceful, and sacrificing for their children and very generous, good, hardworking people.  I thought Mom loved to sew, bake, darn socks, can and freeze among many other chores, when I was a kid.  I thought my Dad loved to garden, repair musical instruments and play in a dance band on Saturday nights.  And looking back, I know that they did find some pleasure in these activities, but they were done to provide all they could in the best way possible for their four daughters.  I know they weren't perfect - no human is - but looking back I know that they provided a perfect childhood.  And I wouldn't change a second of it.  It wasn't till I was out in the world as a working adult, though, interacting with others that I really realized how special our childhood was and what a gift I was given.  That's the first beautiful legacy I've been given.

Jump ahead many years to two summers ago, when my 2nd husband, love of my life, was diagnosed with lung cancer. We went through surgeries, chemo, hospitalizations and his eventual death this past November, unexpectedly from pneumonia.  Fast forward three months to Valentine's Day of this year, when I got the call that my oldest son, a medically retired Marine, husband and father of three very young children, died very unexpectedly.  Those are two more beautiful legacies given to me through these men so dear to my heart, filled with love - unconditional love - but now shrouded in loss.

Over time, I will chronicle experiences in my life that have not been easy, not been pleasant, that I didn't choose, and a few that I did.  But please realize this is not in any way, shape, or form, to be "gloom and doom".  This blog, in part, is therapy for me.  I love to write.  It is my chosen form of communication.  I also find my "best therapy" is sharing what I am going through.  Not for attention, not for sympathy (well, honestly, maybe occasionally), but it is "purging" what rattles around in my head and heart.  More often than not, through speaking or writing about what may be troubling me, I realize something new, that helps me reconcile what is the issue at hand.  It also just helps me put it behind me - almost like putting the trash to the curb or releasing a balloon into the sky.  But there is more than that.  I also find that in sharing the hard things, I also realize the many blessings that surround those tough times.  Even with the deaths that have been too close to me in the last 20 years - my mother, father - I can honestly say that in hindsight, I see where all of those difficulties, struggles, and failures led me to a better place. I am working on finding my way without my husband and son.  I can't take total credit for those outcomes.  It was through the legacies, love and loss from people who cared for me, that I have grown, matured, become more tolerant, more diligent in trying to take negative experiences and turn them around.  Most importantly I want to leave a legacy that can stand in the shadow of those that have been bequeathed to me; for my younger son, for my grandchildren, for anyone that needs some help negotiating their own tough road.  My other objective is to pay it forward.  To share this, as others have been there for me, so that no one has to feel alone when things feel hopeless and isolating.  We learn from each other.  We heal with loving attitudes towards each other.  We grow from loss, but only if we rise from the ashes to continue down the road that is our destiny.  I believe in Legacies, Love and Loss.  I hope you'll travel with me going forward.  Until next time, make it your best day.