In eleven days it will be eleven years ago that my elder son left this earthly life. As with any traumatic event , the number on the calendar would be a hurtful reminder of that date forevermore. Add to that, a cruel twist of fate, that it happened to be February 14, Valentine’s Day.
For the past ten years, I have grieved and even railed at the irony of so many others being able to celebrate with joyful abandon a day that causes me immense pain. I know that this holiday has also been ruined, most especially, for Adam’s wife and children, along with his brother, father and me. It has also been marred by varying degrees for so many others who knew and loved him.
I share all of this as a preface to explaining my change of heart this year. I have been on a personal journey to find ways to improve my life, my attitude and my perspectives on what life surrounds me with and how I react. It has required some deep dives, brutal honesty, prayer, journaling and more prayer. What I have learned is contained in this condensed version.
1. God didn’t promise that it wouldn’t get hard; He promised that He would not abandon us. Far too often I forgot to take Him along as my copilot.
2. While we can’t control everything in our lives, we have complete control of how we respond to said “things”. Granted, time sometimes does take the edge off pain, and time also can provide perspective. Do I really want everyone else to be miserable because I am? When I read that back, I realize just how ludicrous that is.
3. Valentines Day honestly is also very painful for many others. The Hallmark version of this day is not inclusive for all. In addition, while I miss my son every day of the year, I enjoy other holidays with the people I love, without always considering that day on the calendar is equally painful to someone else for their own personal losses.
4. Valentines Day is all about love. The best description of grief I have heard is that “grief is love with no place to go”. I find that to feel incredibly accurate. I wouldn’t hurt so much if the love had not been so strong and deep.
I share all of the above in order to happily report that I have decided that it’s time to embrace this lovers’ holiday again. In addition to being Adam’s death date, it was my father’s birthday and my grandfather’s burial date. It took me a decade of feeling selfishly deprived before I could embrace the beautiful irony. I loved all three of these men deeply, and they returned that love to me and so many others. I remember how cold it was the day we committed my grandfather back to the earth and didn’t want to leave his body in the frigid ground. I recall how special that I always felt it was that my dad was born on a day for love, as he loved so deeply himself. So why would I be angry that Valentines Day is the day God took my son home? It’s a day that uses hearts as its brand and is solely about love. Adam’s heart failed that night. I am not surprised. He loved as big as anyone I have ever met.
In recognition of my grandpa, my dad and my beloved son, I have decided that this year it’s time to dip my toe back into Cupid’s pool and celebrate all the love that I have known, from wonderful, beautiful people. Some are gone, most remain. Today I purchased the heart shown in the photo here as a reminder to myself and to let St. Valentine know I am back.
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! ♥️
