Letting Go

Oh grief......undoubtedly the most complicated emotion I have ever experienced, I must say.  And by now, unfortunately, I am quite familiar with it, yet still constantly perplexed by it.  24 years ago this year I lost my mother, and 14 years ago my dad.  I'm now coming up on five years since I lost my husband and three months later, the five year anniversary of my son's death.  Yes, I know grief.  However, there is absolutely no predicting it.  What I am discovering is that the pain of not having those people in my life is still acute, yet I have learned to cope.  I feel as if I have been in hibernation in varying degrees over the past five years and am now wide awake and seeing the world so very differently.

First of all there is the realization that without my parents or husband, no one loves me "best" anymore.  That hit me when just over a year ago I was wheeled back to surgery without my husband there reassuring me with a kiss and sparkling blue eyes that all would be well.  The dearest of friends were there, and no offense and I know none will be taken, but it's just not the same.  Call me selfish, but I miss being that special to someone - that I will be the first person they think of, call, reach for.  There's a big chunk of lonely in that realization that you have lost that privilege.

With the intimacy of immediate family, whether it be parent, spouse or child, there are so many things specific to those relationships that no one else can duplicate.  I miss that I will never again have one of the extraordinary meals my mother could prepare.  I miss that I will never be able to hear my dad tell stories of his Grandpa Hay, and wish that I had listened more closely the first time.  I miss coming home to someone whose eyes lit up when I came in and would offer a foot rub.  And I miss a son who understood his mother's gullibility and never missed a chance to pull her leg.  Those examples may seem trite to the obvious, but I guarantee, they are not.  They are part of unique relationships that made each of them so very special to me in so many ways.

What I wouldn't give to have someone by my side whose hand I could grab when I see something joyful when out and about; or just to give me security, physically and emotionally.  I miss that I don't have a shoulder to rest my head on when I enjoy the wonder of the incredible sunset, waterfall, forest or ocean that I am enjoying.  I want to look across a room again, catch his eye and get a wink, or see an expression that is as clear to me as if words were spoken.  How much happier mornings would be if there was someone to say good morning to, or just kiss on the forehead as they slumber on.  How much better I would sleep if I had someone to say good night to is something I'm sure of.

I ache at family events when these people are not there for landmarks, such as ball games, First Communions, weddings, Hall of Fame inductions and so much more.  I'm learning that I can let go of the physical things, but the memories are part of my very soul.  They're my history, part of the big patchwork quilt that could chronicle my life.  The good news is that I can more often smile at these memories than before.  The sad news is that the word bittersweet never before had so much meaning for me.  With those smiles comes a tug of sadness that the beautiful party that included those guests of honor is over.

Maybe it's because I'm getting older that I'm putting together my own "End of Life" box.  You know, the binder with all of your insurance policies, accounts, passwords, and such.  My will is in there too.  Additionally I have begun planning my own funeral and wake.  I'm not sure exactly where or what the funeral will entail or even where it will even happen, but I'm gathering some things (tangible and intangible) that I can leave to the keepers of my heart left here on earth.   I have far more specific ideas about the wake!  I want a true party, with lots of laughter, lots of music and lots and lots of hugs.  I want a veritable love fest as a reminder that even when you have to let go, there are still so many others in your life you can reach out for, who love you and care about you like no one else can or will.

Spring; a Time of MY Rebirth

It's never too late to teach an old dog new tricks.  Thank goodness, because this bitch has been making lots of mistakes all along the way.  Finally, before my amazing journey is over, I am finally learning some secrets to life. 

I was raised in a conservative rural German Catholic area.  I could not have handpicked parents any better than I received.  My sisters and I were taught the Ten Commandments, the Golden Rule, to respect our elders, authority and just about anything and everything else.  I had no bias or discrimination instilled into me.  I was taught that all men are equal and that if you work hard and do the right thing, good things will happen.  I was also taught to never be hurtful.  I am grateful for that upbringing and overall it has served me incredibly well.  Some of my problem though is, that over time, things have changed.  The moral credo I was taught does not exist in the same way it used to.  We tended to put other people first, knowing that what good you did would be returned to you many fold.  I now exist in a culture that I see more often than not to be a "me first" life.  "Listen to ME!"  "Pay attention to ME!"  "Don't do anything to offend ME!"  "I know I just started in the work force but my education is superior to yours therefore I know more and understand technology more which makes me superior to you!"  "Don't try to spew what you believe to me - I know better.  Life isn't that way any more Old Timer!"  Maybe.  But the thing is, times and society changes, human needs do not.  People are people.  Life changes.  I get that.  I have a smart phone and a smart TV.  They are still not smarter than me.  I know how to respond beyond how I am programmed.  Sometimes there are flaws in our programming.  Sometimes it is a manufacturer's flaw and sometimes a user flaw.  Very often troubleshooting manuals that you download are very short and to the point.  If it goes beyond the very simple, call tech support, or for administrative assistance.  Who are these people behind the phone with the foreign accents that I can't understand?  How can they fix what is wrong in my world?  The reality is that they can't. The reality is that no one knows me better than me and if I am honest, I know the path to find how to right what is wrong with me.

Sometimes even with the happiest of childhoods, we don't grasp all the tools necessary to go forward in life.  I didn't learn how to deal with confrontation well.  I didn't learn how to have a healthy argument.  I learned to acquiesce and apologize sometimes for things that weren't my fault just to keep the peace.  I would succumb sometimes faster than I should, even if I believed what I was doing was right, to not make waves.  With that behavior, doubt can come creeping in.  Maybe I believed that I was right, but if I was in the minority, surely I wasn't.  Therefore I would keep my ideas and opinions to myself.  I didn't want anyone to think poorly or badly of me and heaven forbid to make fun of me.  And so the invasion of peer pressure trumps self esteem every time in my life.  There is always someone else hiding behind their own lack of self confidence using a bigger voice or personality to bully you into getting their way and showing you they were smarter, better, right.  And often their issues were way bigger than yours, but as a child you had no way of understanding that, let alone to be able to battle it.  So instead of reaching out a hand or facing off, retreat was my response.

I have said before that from the time I was a very young girl that the Wizard of Oz has been my favorite movie.  Somewhere Over the Rainbow is probably my all time favorite song.  It has graduated from being a favorite to the perfect metaphor for life, especially when you incorporate Wicked into the equation.  "You've had the power all along my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself."  Heavenly days!  It's been there, buried in the midst of one of my absolute favorite childhood treasures all the time.  Why haven't I paid more attention until now?

Because it's not how the world beyond our psyche operates.  We need to succeed.  We need to have a great career.  We need to present the perfect family.  Said family has to participate in x number of sports and extracurricular activities and maintain at least a 3.5 GPA to be deemed "good enough".  That of course with the right wardrobe, car, house, church, school, toys, etc., etc. are the measuring sticks for success in our world.  I believe in equality, but I don't want it shoved down my throat.  I want people to respond to me in the same way that I treat them.  I have no judgment about anyone until I know them and interact with them.  And even then I have learned to try to look at things from their viewpoint as I am able and even after that to give them the benefit of the doubt.  It doesn't mean that if they hurt me it still doesn't sting and I still don't experience a moment of hurt, anger or resentment, but I don't feed it and don't let it come home to roost.  I can give it it's due and then move on.  I can't control them, but I sure as hell can control me.  And that's where I will find my happiness.  I immediately am going to grant respect until it is proven that it is has been misplaced.  I will treat someone with dignity as another child of God.  Please do the same for me. 

So going back to my generational upbringing, I am a bit on the cusp of the old school where a woman's place is in the home and I wish I could have lived that life.  Alas, it was not to be.  We were a generation moving into the work force so that we could keep up with the Jones and Smiths and Greens and O'Haras and Steinbergs and Chens and D'Angelos and everyone else on the block or county quadrant.  That meant to be a wife and mother came first, making sure your husband's and childrens' needs were attended to first.  Any good wife and mother knows that, right?  You are up earlier than anyone preparing lunches and checking book bags and up later than everyone, checking homework, ironing shirts, prepping tomorrow night's dinner so you can eat after all the after school activities and not be one of THOSE moms who runs through the drive thru at the nearest fast food establishment.  It's important to do all these things because they equate to love for your family.  It is not just something you SAY to them, you have to SHOW them.  We all know that, right?

And when someone comes into the kitchen on a holiday and you are juggling decorating and cooking and baking and shopping and cleaning and correspondence and schedules and they want to know if you need anything, you smile and say "No, I think I have everything under control", wiping a strand of hair from your face with a tired smile.  THIS is where I stop the video and scream "No! No you don't!  You may think you have it under control but you're losing control everywhere else!"

Children need to learn that life is not a bed of roses and doesn't exist around them.  Husbands don't need to be coddled and believe that anything within the house is not their domain.  The purpose of family is to give you a safe and supportive base from which to explore the world.  This applies both to the family your parents make for you and to the one you eventually make for yourself and your children.  That means working as a team, sharing the workload and the fun times; sharing the joys and sorrows and being honest along every step of the way.  You never burden your children with adult business, but it is not unhealthy for them to understand there is not a money tree in the back yard and sometimes we can't afford it and sometimes you don't make the team and sometimes someone won't invite you.  And we deal with all of that together, celebrating our strengths and working on our weaknesses.  I found that it was harder than I thought because more often than not, they struggled with the same things I had all of my life.  Go figure.  And of course over time, the world changes so families must adapt and change as well.  And in many cases wives and mothers chart the course for their families, or at least do the best job of keeping them grounded.  (Don't anyone get excited - that is a generalization, not a fact!)  To do that requires a great deal of strength and oft times courage.  And that my friends, is exactly where I have failed. 

I loved and nurtured extraordinarily well.  I wanted to be everything to each of them.  (Not practical or realistic I know now!)  In doing so I perpetuated the same weaknesses I had into them.  I would wear myself to a frazzle trying to make everything just so and could smile with the thrill of victory, saved from the agony of defeat.  Ugh.  If only I had known then what I am discovering now.

Fast forward to a life that has included the loss of both parents at a younger age than the median, a  child with learning disabilities, a dysfunctional marriage and consequent divorce after over 20 years, job loss, remarriage, death of a spouse, death of a child and traumatic injuries.  First of all, your measuring stick for success has been wiped out.  Erased.  Gone.  Kaput.  Secondly, how do you perform when everything you did was meant for someone else?  How in the world can you be happy now? 

The truth is, I was asked just over twenty years ago in a therapy session what would make me happy a year from then.  I responded how my family and husband would be succeeding as my response.  She reiterated the question and said "Sandra, it's not about them.  What do you need to make YOU happy?"  I sat for what seemed like forever, and if you know me well at all, you know I am rarely at a loss for words, but I was that afternoon.  I had no idea.  Literally no idea.  I don't say that because I am a saint or a martyr.  I just had put myself way up on the top shelf of the back closet and closed the door a long time ago.  In that moment I knew I was going to have to find a way to reach way up there, grab that box, dust it off, open it up and see what happened.

Yes, I said twenty plus years ago.  The box has come down.  It came down right after my divorce.  Happily I discovered some of the very best of me in the depths of that box.  It has been fun to dig into the box and see what was in there.  It has taken all these years to get through it.  It feels good to wear my own skin and say what I want and do what I want without fear of reprisal.  I actually LIKE who I am far more than when I was doing everything "just so" for someone else and nothing for me.  Yet there's one more piece of the puzzle that is the hardest still at the very bottom of the box.  Something that causes me to feel as inadequate and lost as I did wondering what would make me happy twenty years ago.  And that simply is the need to take care of myself.  Put myself first for a change.  Care more about my health and well being than those I love.  Doing that I realize is loving the cherished people in my life but I had no idea how to go about it.  Undoubtedly I've had more on my plate before but I could tackle it with zeal because it was for someone I loved.  What is covering my plate now is all about me and sadly I have not been motivated to clean my plate because it WAS only about me. 

I have been fighting mightily to recover from the losses in my life; to figure out how to do this on my own.  I have been determined almost from the outset to find my joy. I have come a long way but my recent accident and subsequent temporary (hopefully) disability has sent me into a depressed state that has frightened me.  I have a wonderful support system, but there is much lacking.  Still I could hear a voice telling me that I can manage this; that I am capable.  I am a child of God and wonderfully made.  I am alive and I yearn for more.  I have the examples and legacies of incredible people to draw from and to add my own spirit to.  So the solution is simple.  Get up and get going.  Do what you never have done.  Go where you never have gone.  Invest in me, in my strength, my health, my courage, my fears.  I KNOW that I am enough.  I KNOW that I have gifts to offer that are mine exclusively and how wonderful it will be to share them with those who want to share equally and not just take.  Life is all about energy and I can only attract what I emit.  I'm going to say, before I am finished, prepare to be shocked.  And I'm not talking about being surprised, I'm talking about being physically shocked from the positive energy that you will feel radiate from me.  I have put together my own program with the help of some amazing people, using my own intuition that has proven spot on so far and now each day I wake with hope and excitement for what the future has in store for me.   I have been abundantly blessed and it would be a shame to not have my light shine fully upon this earth before it is snuffed out.  So until later, keep your sunglasses handy my friends.  You're going to need them!!!!  xoxoxo