In reflecting on this holiday and the next to follow, seeing Facebook posts, photos of family holiday gatherings, hearing coworkers speak of holiday plans, I realize that the holidays have truly become bittersweet for me. I still love them and decorate and want to participate. But there are too many empty seats these days. Not just the four obvious ones, but more than four, because loss creates change. The days of me being able to be surrounded by my entire family on a holiday are surely past. That's a hard pill to swallow. Yet I am prompted to do two things. I have a dear friend who shared the wisdom of his grandfather, which is "to expect the worst, hope for the best, and you'll never be disappointed". True words, and they have a place. Yet to write life off that simply is difficult for me. I need to let go of what I can't control, true. But when what you can't control also has a direct effect upon your happiness it's easier said than done. Secondly, I have to find a new way to process.
So now I look at what I have to be thankful for even in the toughest situations. And with this I have a confession to make. I probably have alluded to it before, but I need to say it outright. I am fully aware that without the pain and suffering I have endured in my life, I likely would be a very shallow, self-centered person. I wouldn't be able to reconcile as much as I do in this life. I also know that with great likelihood, my perspective would not be to look for the silver lining and be grateful for all I have been given. I'm not suggesting that I have this perfected or am a role model for anyone. But certainly, in learning how to understand why things happen requires me to put myself in others' shoes before I hurry to pass judgment or complain. It doesn't mean that anything changes, but it does help me have compassion for others in the situation.
So this year, as I continue to discover new revelations, I am thankful for the grace God has given me to have perspective. I am grateful for the ability to try to think beyond myself and put myself in an other's position which almost always takes any frustration down at least a notch, if not totally away. I am thankful that God has chosen the people I need in my life. Sometimes I think I want something or someone else, but this past season has proven that He knows what I need and has given it to me in spades. The people who have responded to help me in many really tough situations without being asked has been unbelievable. I have people actively in my life who walk the walk. How could I ask for more?
I am grateful that I BELIEVE. I believe in God/Higher Power/Whatever You Want to Call Him/Her/It. My faith has been an anchor. I am grateful that I have realized that faith and spirituality aren't necessarily tied to organized religion. I am grateful that I still believe in people. I believe in patriotism. I believe in respecting others and giving someone the benefit of the doubt. If you're waiting for "Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus" then I'm not going to disappoint you. I do believe in Santa, and a joyful, giving spirit. I'm grateful that somehow I was blessed with a spirit that wants to be happy, yearns for it, and a brain that knows that I alone am responsible for my own happiness. I have been given the tools I need to sustain whatever this life is going to throw my way. I just have to remember to always wear my tool belt. And I am grateful even for the pain I have endured, and the people in my life, for without those items, I am sure my tool belt would not be nearly as well equipped. Lighter and easier to carry maybe, but not nearly as helpful or effective.
I have had the love of wonderful parents, three extraordinary sisters, an absolutely incredible husband, two amazing sons, five beautiful, talented, loving grandchildren, fabulous extended family, and friends that you don't stumble across every day. If hard life lessons have had anything to do with this bounty I enjoy, then I accept them willingly. I could never wish the pain I have endured on anyone else, but with it has come unforeseen blessings that have been beyond abundant. So I am called to travel my path with a cheerful heart. When the sadness creeps in, I am reminded to use one of my tools to continue forward. Today, that happens to be putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard).
Thank you for indulging me on my journey as I work to figure out how best to navigate with joy, love and peace. It is my greatest desire to continue to hone that ability in the future. May I always realize that I hold the key to my happiness. I have all along. My holiday wish for you is that you have your own key close at hand, but that that particular door always remains unlocked. Happy Holidays my friends!
