I have learned so very much through grief, sadness and loneliness that has made me a kinder, softer, less judgmental and more tolerant human being. There is something to be said for the wisdom of Scarlett O'Hara when she says she'll worry about it tomorrow. The cliche memes that talk about yesterday being your past, tomorrow your future but today being the "present" is less cliche and so much more real. Make no mistake, grief and depression are still the monsters in my story and I grapple with them on a very regular basis. But the secret I've learned and adopted is that I have the advantage of taking what is negative and letting it go with the setting sun. I am then free to wake up tomorrow to a brand new day, a brand new opportunity. Yesterday's memories that are meant to be treasured will be etched onto my heart. Yesterday's pain needs to be disposed of, for it will drain you of energy, vim and vigor that you want to have plenty of to face the new day ahead.
I am forced into really getting to know myself intimately as never before. I am no longer "someone's wife", and my motherly pursuits are cut in half. I am Sandra; widow, parent, bereaved parent, grandparent, sister and friend. That leaves a lot of "me" time that I so dearly wished for when I didn't have it, because the people in my life now do not dwell in it on a daily or physically basis. They are wonderful paragraphs, but not enough to compose a chapter except on very special days. Mostly it is me writing my story now, without any outside influence. Isn't life so very peculiar? The grass certainly is greener on the other side. I'm left with a yard that is a pain in the ass when you have to mow and fertilize it all yourself. Cooking a meal has lost it's joy. I was under the misunderstanding that it was about nourishment, but the joy in it was creating something for the people I loved, and hopefully nourishing them with my love as well as the vitamins, minerals and calories! Weekends are the most difficult. I have spent too much time filling mine with trips and company and shopping expeditions just so that I didn't become a slave to my bed and bedroom where everything was easier. There would be no one to judge if I cried, or didn't get dressed, or heaven forbid, even venture from the bed except for the barest of necessities. Moderation is what my mother taught me, and I'm pretty sure she didn't mean spending half the day in bed. I'm learning to manage quite well with my own company a good deal of the time. I'm no longer "trying to outrun the grief" but be proactive so that it doesn't sneak up on me as easily.
The truth is, that as time goes by, if I am open to the possibilities, I should be quite excited. My world can be and will be what I create. I am the captain of my ship, the head of my household and the co-author of my tale. I care less what people think and do more of what is good and right for me. That certainly does not mean at anyone's expense, however, I don't have to hold onto everyone and everything. I can't embrace anything new if I don't let go at some point.
The saddest question I cannot answer, is whether I would have achieved some of what is so much better in me if I hadn't had to face the fire? I would like to think so, but truth is, I doubt it. There have been valuable lessons in this journey. And the good news is that my story continues. I'm not sure how it will end, but I guarantee it will be filled with the pursuit of joy, happiness, truth, reality and lots of laughter. And that is my preferred recipe for love and life. I'm predicting if my little story ever makes it to the big screen it will be much like a Disney film if I have anything to say about it; (and ultimately I have EVERYTHING to say about it!) Good vs. bad, sadness and triumph over evil, laughter and tears, and most of all a wonderful moral that ties it all up into a nice little bow. The kind of film that has everyone quiet as the credits roll, hugging those who came with them and leaving with hope in their heart.
Leave today's troubles on your back step to roll away with the setting sun and set your heart to rise with the same clean slate of a brand new day. And just maybe, (I almost guarantee) we'll live happily ever after!!! (Now if I could only train the mice to be more of a help than a nuisance!!!!)
