Mother's Day is just around the corner. Hard day for me ever since my mother died 22 years ago. I was 39 year old mother of two sons who were in middle school. It was one of the most difficult days I had had to endure at that point in my life. I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to celebrate it. I wanted to turn off the tv, stay out of the stores and not hear or see a thing about it. Because all of my life Mother's Day had been about MY mom. I was a mom and I loved seeing my little guys bring me cereal in bed, and receive their handmade gifts and cards, but for the bulk of my life, it was a day to celebrate my mother. But you adjust. And then you lose a spouse and you lose a son. Sometimes due to circumstances beyond anyone's control you spend it alone. I still have anticipatory dread about the day. I'm in a funk this very week, yearning for what I remember, what I used to have. Well, let's see......what exactly was it that I had?
I had a Father that made us understand as children that Mother's Day was for Mom. It was the only day of the year she got and she really wasn't totally off duty even that day. But he made breakfast and made sure when we were too little to do it ourselves that we had gifts for her. Often it was the flowers to be planted that summer - a joy of hers and still very practical. He demonstrated his deep love for her then and every day. I think that is the best gift parents can give to their children - is to demonstrate their love for each other always.
I had a mother that also sacrificed a lot of "her" day for her mother and mother-in-law. It wasn't common as it is now to go to a restaurant for Mother's Day; for one thing not many were open on Sunday as I grew up in a rural community. Typically we would have something Dad put on the grill and Mom still took care of the rest of the meal. We would help and wash dishes. But looking back, Mom still was doing what she always did in making sure the family's events ran smoothly for the day. She always put others first. She was the consummate hostess and made everyone feel welcome, even though she was the one who should have been relaxing.
I had a mother who stayed at home until Becky went to kindergarten. In order to make ends meet with four daughters on Dad's teacher's salary and a newly built home she gardened, she froze food, she canned food, she sewed our clothes and her own. She was the queen of DIY. She could arrange flowers, she could cook fabulous meals from scratch and even make the simplest meal seem special.
She taught us to be resourceful.
Mom went back to school after having four daughters to get her Master's Degree while she was teaching. She taught Spanish, English, Literature, Speech, and Math. I remember seeing her during her workdays get up before the break of dawn to exercise, bathe, get herself ready for her day, make our lunches, her lunch, then get us up and going before she traveled to the "next town over" to begin her own day. She would come home, sit for a short bit with Dad and catch up on their days and then was back in Mom mode, making dinner, helping with homework and after dinner beginning grading the homework she brought home herself. There were many times we might look over and find she had fallen asleep mid worksheet. The really memorable times were looking over as she was grading journals and seeing tears run down her cheeks at situations other children dealt with daily. In her own way, she always found a way to try to make their life easier. Education was important to her and she modeled it for us every day.
She also was a contributor. Mom was a Girl Scout Leader, she taught English to the migrant students who came to town seasonally. She was on the Parochial School Board. She was the found of MADD at one of the two high schools she taught at. She was a member of Ladies Sodality, Bridge Club, Literary Guild, sponsor of the Math Competition at her high school. I'm afraid I'm forgetting as much as I've named. I don't remember her ever speaking these exact words, but through my mom and dad, I had the clear understanding that you don't go through life "taking". You must contribute and if you don't, don't you dare complain because you forfeited your right. You have to participate to make a difference. Oh my gosh, did she make a difference.
Mom, while very loving and kind, was also very practical. She did her share of disciplining as was necessary (I probably know this better than my other three sisters for reasons we won't talk about here 😉) She was fair and direct. And when it was over, it was over and never spoken of again. I loved that. Nothing was held over our (my) head(s). There would be discussion about why punishment was necessary, clarity about what the punishment was to be, and reassurance of her love for us hence the need for punishment. It was her (their) job to make us the best people they possibly could and they loved us enough to do the hard work. I'm so very grateful.
Mom had a very kind heart. I never heard her say an unkind word about anyone. Even if she was among those who may be talking about someone else, she would find something positive to insert about that person and not indulge in the gossip around her. She was kind in small, quiet, anonymous ways that had a huge effect. And I don't remember her complaining about anything. As I became a wife and mother and tried to replicate some of what she had done during my childhood years, I realized just how much work and planning and detail was involved in what she always made look easy for us. She might ask us for help in the kitchen or with cleaning the house, but she never complained about what was involved in the life that she had chosen. She only saw the positive and no need to dwell on any negative, if she even saw it. That's a role model and a high standard to follow.
And as an adult, a fellow mother, spending time with her was so much fun and so rewarding. She had a "punny" sense of humor and thrived on her family and husband. I was shocked that on my first Mother's Day, she brought me a gift! This was her day and my turn to try to acknowledge the woman who had been my whole life. She was not just the woman who gave me life, but she was the woman who modeled how to live it.
So now come my beautiful baby boys. Children that I was blessed with and I often am afraid they gave me way more than I ever could give them. My heart grew exponentially with the birth of each of them. Nothing in the world meant more to me than trying to be a good mother to these little guys.
I look back now at film of them and hear their "little" voices at ages 3 and 5 flying kites in the field with my Dad and my eyes fill with tears, remembering their sweetness. Yes, even sweaty little boy smells were precious to me. Life 25 years after I was born and raised was very different and their life experiences weren't mine, but I hope that in some way I was able to give them as much guidance and positive examples as my mother gave me. I hope that no matter if I failed or succeeded, they knew that my love was unconditional and they were the reason for my existence.
Three years ago I had almost gotten used to Mother's Day without my Mom when Adam left this world. He always had a sweet way of acknowledging me, accompanied with his own brand of humor. I never failed to hear from him, (or Chad either), but now the day is quieter again by half.
And my heart will always be broken, yet grateful for having had each of them for however long it is.
My sons made me so proud in charting their own courses. They didn't always do things the easiest way, but neither did I. And in doing so, they learned life lessons that are invaluable that they can apply and be role models for their own children. Adam leaves a beautiful legacy for his three and Chad is an incredibly devoted father. I see a lot of their Grandma in them both.
So this Mother's Day will not be the one that when I was young I always dreamed of having. But pretty packages and breakfast in bed and dinner in a restaurant cannot and will not replace the gifts that I have been given by having the people I have had and still have in my life. Flowers are pretty and I love them, but not nearly as much as I love my mother and those two little guys who made me a mother. Candy is sweet, but no more so than my son's hug and the hugs and kisses from my grandchildren. Whether I am with them or not, I know I am abundantly blessed and my only wish for Sunday is that each of them know just how strongly my heart beats for them. I just chronicled what I have "had" and still do, for those people and experiences never leave my heart. I have no reason to complain.
Thank you for indulging me as I have the need to put words to paper to continue to heal my heart and soul. May your Mother's Day fill your heart with all that is and has been right in your life.
