Specifically, due to the poor care my son received at the hands of the VA, he died. This is not the place for details but trust me on a few points. He did not commit suicide, he received sub-par care at the VA and it cost him his life. The VA created an overwhelmed, devastated widow, three beautiful, bereft orphans, brokenhearted siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and it created a void in this mother's heart that is not possible to fill. As a result, there have been changes in relationships - not necessarily by choice, but by sheer consequence, and some of those have been very difficult. As most of you know, I was widowed just three months before my son died. I return home daily to a quiet house, haunted with the memories of a man who filled it with love and joy and security for me and a promise that as long as he was here all would be well. He's no longer here and things are not well. It is no longer a home but a dwelling. Home really is where your heart is, and while my heart still resides with my younger son, my grandchildren and the rest of my family, there is no longer a resting place for it. It's a lonely, isolating existence to be sure. I overuse social media, but often it is the only way I see what is going on with those I love. The VA created that change in my life. I blame no one else.
There are organizations in this country that protect animals better than the VA handles our veterans. Those men and women signed a contract when they enlisted or were drafted. They had no choice but to fulfill their contracts or there were swift and severe consequences. Yet, every year, the "powers that be" in Washington have the ability to change what was promised to those veterans with a swift stroke of the pen and a vote in an afternoon that changes the government's obligation with that same contract in return. Benefits are lost, reduced, pay is cut, all with lengthy appeals processes. I have come to believe that their response time is due to two things - underfunding and the hope that if it takes long enough, people will give up and they won't have to open the coffers to care for our veterans.
I wonder why we tolerate it. I don't understand how it is "okay". Everyone gives lip service to the fact that it isn't, but what is anyone doing to help make a difference and change it? These very men and women who are suffering the consequences didn't hesitate to step forward to make a difference. Why are we so reluctant to step up for them, now, when they need it? I don't want to hear anyone bemoan this situation who isn't ready to go to work for our veterans. Put your money, or your time, or your heart where your mouth is.
While I'm on this rant, I'm going to take it a very unpopular step further. Veterans who like my son, die due to lack of appropriate care get a raw deal. My son is just as dead as any combat casualty. I suffer every bit as much as a Gold Star mother. He knew that was a possibility and so did I. I don't think either of us anticipated his death would be due to apathy. Dying in combat I would have understood. I would be just as devastated, but it would have made sense. Yet I am not welcome as a Gold Star Mother. Regardless of what the criteria are, when I inquire and tell my story, no one responds. No invitation is issued. My son will never receive the accolades that those who died in combat receive. His name is not on a street sign, there are no park benches with his name. He is not on any memorial. His family is not invited to be recognized for their loss the same way Gold Star Families are. All this is because his death is an ugly scar on the underbelly of some monster no one wants to tackle. His death cannot be paraded as heroic for PR, although he served as gallantly, but he was failed by those he trusted the most. When he became injured, he no longer was of any use to them and he literally felt tossed to the back of the warehouse where all of the other broken equipment went to rust away. Parents of the suicide victims must feel much the same way, yet finally and appropriately those deaths are beginning to be recognized. Dying due to government failures is not.
I am tired of people reading these articles and getting angry for the moment, but then going on with their comfortable lives. I am tired of the spiraling consequences of losing my son. I stumble across a new one often, and they are no less painful now than they were in the beginning. I am angry that his death doesn't warrant recognition. And I know it's misplaced anger, but I even get irritated when I see what comes the way of Gold Star families, knowing my son will never have that recognition. It's a broken system that leaves hundreds of thousands of people in its wake. Don't look at me and feel badly for me. Don't look at me and wonder why I struggle getting "on with it". Please look at me and ask how you can help stop this from happening to another mother, another family, and most of all another veteran. They deserve better than we have given them.
Maybe this anger is surfacing now as part of the grief process, but I don't think so. I have been carrying these thoughts from the very beginning. I think I'm just becoming strong enough to use my voice. I guarantee now that I've found it, it's going to be hard to silence me. My son deserved more. Every veteran deserves more. We live in excess and can't even provide a clean hospital room in a VA hospital. Does it make you proud? Do you care? What if it had been a relative of yours? Do you care enough to write a letter, make your voice heard? Do you care enough to visit a veteran in the hospital to make sure his experience is going well? Do you care enough to get involved, the way they did for us? With every fiber of my being, I hope you do.
