The thing is, when you are alone, really alone, as in getting up alone, going to bed alone, eating alone, watching TV alone (you get the picture), you are forced to listen to yourself; rely on yourself; trust yourself. I was so very fortunate to always have been surrounded with people who had my best interests at heart, so I never had to worry too much about it. If I wandered too far off the beaten path, someone was close by to take me by the hand and bring me back to where I needed to be. That has changed. It certainly does not mean that I don't have a fabulous family and fabulous support group, but it does mean that they can only be aware of what I tell them as we are spread far and wide. That allows for some whitewashing from time to time, or just going underground for a bit.
It's now been just over three years ago that my sweet husband took his last breath. Seems like forever ago, yet other times only yesterday. I've said before, and am even more cognizant of the fact that he loved me in such an incredibly unconditional manner that I believe I was extraordinarily lucky. His quest was to love, protect, provide and dote on me, while still knowing my faults and tolerating my quirks. He did it wholly and completely, including my family and friends as part of the package. My happiness became his happiness. I knew I was lucky and tried not to take that for granted, however, looking back I'm sure that there were times that I did. Men of his character (and you can use both definitions for him there) are rare and are as precious as gems.
I have realized that I don't necessarily prefer to be alone. Most of the time I cope quite well, but there are occasional events i.e. theater, concerts, weddings, etc. which attending without someone makes you feel your loss even more keenly and are to be avoided almost at all costs. It's so hard to watch couples at these events lean their heads in closely to whisper and laugh, to lead the other onto the dance floor, to just enjoy being half of a whole. To be near couples who are so absorbed in each other while you are mutely, acutely aware that you are solitary in the midst of a crowd brings an ache from deep within.
All of this realization means that I have to work harder; harder on my resolve; harder on my self confidence; harder on being resilient to tough situations. I have lost my soft place to land. I have lost four of the five people who have always had my very best interests at heart. People change, relationships change, times change and all of that requires that I be adaptable to just maintain my sanity, let alone be happy.
And to clarify, I am not unhappy. I still find great joy in my family, and my son and grandchildren in particular. I have exceptional friends who I can hang with and laugh myself silly. I don't want these losses to define me and make me less of who I was. I want to forge ahead and become stronger and braver than I ever imagined. I want to learn how to not care about those who don't care about me and invest more in those who do. I want to be confident that I have the knowledge to take care of whatever may come my way - if not directly, through research and finding the right assistance. I want to be wanted and not an obligation. I want to always be able to smile and laugh and see the beauty in this world around me, whether it be the night sky, a beautiful sunrise, a thunderstorm, or the falling leaves. I find it in the smile on the woman working the drive-through when you engage her in real conversation, the neighbor who goes out of their way on a regular basis to be kind, and most especially in the eyes of people we meet, especially the children.
I've been broken and am rebuilding myself and I bet there will be some screws left that were loose in the first place. That's okay. I won't need everything I had before and will need other things I never dreamed of "before".
The world has gone crazy. I could and some may say that happened to me a long time ago. But I choose to continue working on the new and improved me. I have no idea where that will take me, whether I will be that person alone or with someone. I don't know where I will live, what I will do. What I do know is that I want to be better than I was, for I know so much more than before. I have an empathy that comes readily now for things I didn't understand before. When you know better, you do better. We need more love, understanding, caring and respect for each other. Although life may feel very insular sometimes, it is so much easier to lean on each other, share our talents and love.
The holidays are fast upon us, and often not easy for any of us in one way or another. I will find a way to sustain them, embrace them and I imagine I will even enjoy them. The difference now is that I have moments where I reflect on "how it was before" and just how damn lucky I have been, which is why the struggle now is so real. That alone is enough to make me smile for what was and has been. My heart has been broken, but it's still beating, I'm still breathing and holy cow! I want more of what this life has to offer! My story is not over. I have no idea where it will go or how it might end, but I guarantee I'm here to embrace it as fully and completely as possible. And moving forward now means having a realization that every tough moment of sorrow and loss has made me more capable to move forward, with grace, dignity and joy. My heart will never forget, and that will be why I am able to be better, achieve more, and offer a heart full of compassion and true love, for it has been shown to me. The times, they certainly are a'changin'.
