It hit me in the drive through at McDonald's getting coffee what had just happened. The girls at the window weren't sure whether to smile or not as they saw the tears on my cheeks. I smiled. It had been fun, just for an hour to live like it all was the same, would all be the same. Would that my husband be at home to help me unload my car and that my phone would blow up with texts from my son....oh my, that would make it real. But that hasn't happened in over two years. I suppose the worst that happened was that I spent more than I expected to, but am very well stocked for some time to come. It can snow away and there will be food in my freezer and pantry. There are no holiday celebrations planned at this house, nor will there be. I'm not ready to do that. I don't know what to make of this holiday thing. People say I'm not alone, and I know that theoretically I'm not. But it sure feels like I'm alone when I turn the lights out at night and climb into an empty bed. It feels alone more than it feels filled. I'm working on it, and have a huge blog to write about how that's going at another time. But today, I'm a lonely widow and mother with enough food to get me by till the first of the year at least. Life could be worse. And for about an hour, it was a lovely gift to just feel as if I belonged in the thick of things again!
