Sailing - Takes Me Away to Where I'm Going....

I have no idea where this little installment is going to go, but I have so much rattling around in my head that it definitely is time to sit down at the keyboard again.

I have struggled a bit lately feeling lonely.  No, that's a lie.  I have struggled a LOT lately with feeling lonely.  Situations around me are changing.  People's lives are busy, my house has been less than company-ready so I have not been issuing invitations, kids' schedules are crazy, etc., etc.  As things change, I struggle with insecurity.  Where do I fit in?  How do I fit in?  Should I keep my house or sell my house?  Should I move or stay in Fort Wayne?

This past weekend I was "home" again.  Home for me will always be Sunman, Indiana, and all of the other small communities surrounding it.  The truth is when you live as part of a rural community, you don't think a thing about driving to the next town to see someone or get something or to eat somewhere.  It makes for a wonderfully broad circle.  The minute the hills start to roll as I make my way south, I literally can feel my heart begin to swell within my chest.  My soul is hinting strongly that this is where I belong.  While there is no longer any of my family there, there is a ton of "family" there.  In these communities are people who have known me my entire life.  They knew my parents and sisters, they know my history and it sure feels as if they know my heart.

That's not to say that I don't have incredible friends all across this country.  I do and when I am with them I feel home as well, but those hills, woods, creeks and fields are calling to me.  The first little moral embroidered into a sampler is true; "Home is Where Your Heart Is".  Equally true is "Home is Where Your Story Began" and "There's No Place Like Home".  We have now decorated a lovely vintage, shabby chic bedroom!

This most recent trip was a second annual visit with my female classmates.  Understand that I attended a 3 room Catholic schoolhouse from grades 1 to 8 and had a class census of 12, 3 of which were girls, including myself.  Fortunately, Girl Scouts included the girls from the public school and geography helped me meet more than my two good friends at school.  I still have two friends I remember from kindergarten, but my best friend I met at age 7.  The others came soon after.  We're talking 50+ years of friendship here.  I can't explain how incredible it is to go "back" and find these women to be just who they were those several years ago and how amazingly reassuring that is.  That also creates the sense of home I so yearn for.  Going "home" helps ease my loneliness for a spell for sure.

However, there is still a long, lonely 3 hour drive away from there that must be made as I return to the place where I have made my life.  And overall it has been a good life.  The last three years have been on the rough side, but also not without incredible realizations, genuine personal growth and tremendous comfort from so many directions.  Aside from having two sons that I love beyond definition, I found the true love of my life 13 years ago.  I have written about that love before, so I'll just say again, not only did he love me beyond what I thought possible, but he also healed me.  I will miss him every day of my life.  Originally I thought I would never be interested in having any type of relationship with another man, but as time goes by, I find I miss so much of what a loving relationship brings to your life.  It could be a loving friendship, or grow into more, but I miss having someone who I can go places with, laugh with, share a dinner with, yada, yada, yada.  I believe it's a tribute to the marriage I had that I'm beginning to realize that I'd like to have a man in my life again.  I don't know who, or where or how or when.  But I am realizing that I have love left to give, and want to share that, if it's meant to be.

I ran into an old crush while at home and was absolutely startled at how my heart fluttered when he hugged me.  That hug startled me more than I could say.  Initially because I had no idea how much I have missed being held by a man.  (Don't worry - I don't want to make anyone throw up in their mouth!  I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about the sweet comfort of a hug, a kiss on the forehead, a caress of the shoulder......that type of thing!  :-)  )  It felt wonderful to be held by someone larger of stature that I had a little bit of history with.  It also just surprised me with the realization that I really did harbor a hope of finding someone, at some time to pass the years with.

It also caused me to take the inevitable, very unflattering self inventory.  I am at least a half person more in size than I was 40 years ago when we knew each other.  He must have wondered where the girl he remembered was buried inside here.  It has caused me to look at my health, my appearance, my energy, my habits, my self worth, my insecurities and my paranoia.  I know that's a lot to lay at the poor guy's feet, but the point is, if I never see him again, I will owe him a big debt of gratitude for motivating me to a new level, into a new arena; one with a sense of purpose and determination.  I know he has no clue that seeing him was that monumental for me (unless my eyes gave it away - but I think I had my sunglasses on - whew!), but one day, if I see him again I will tell him.

And so, for the first time, in a very long time, as I float on my sea of uncertainty in many areas of my life, I think I just found a very safe harbor.  Home, whether I still have a house or family there or not, is a very safe place for me.  And I found a plan to get my own personal little ship ready for a new voyage, hoping to sail under the starry skies with a kindred soul.  And maybe, just maybe, he would slip his arm around me and kiss my hair and be willing to sail along with me for a time.  Wouldn't that be something!

Star Light, Star Bright

Intellectually, it makes no sense to me, that when you are missing someone in your life, that one day has a bigger impact on you than other days, but it seems that sometimes that’s exactly the case.  Dates trigger reminders, reminders trigger memories, good and bad.  The middle of the month has become difficult for me as Dave died on the 12^th and Adam on the 14^th.  This month I am counting 21 and 18 months.  It seems like way too much time since I was able to breathe in their warmth and bask in their smiles.  What I try to do, when I become overcome again with what these losses have created in my life, is to be still and feel their spirits.  Who they were and what they brought to me and to anyone they cared for in their life was a gift that we can carry with us.  We can conjure those wonderful feelings and memories.  It may bring more tears, but I’ve decided that just as anything in our lives, we have to cleanse things so they remain in good condition.  I need to allow this pain, give those feelings a release, so I don’t become angry or bitter or change who I am and who I want to be.  Tears can be cathartic.  It’s good to understand that, whether you are the griever or the one watching feeling helpless.  Know its okay.  Know that, in fact, it’s actually wonderful that I or anyone else you know, was so blessed with incredible relationships, that the loss is felt so deeply.  There are those that go through this life without ever having had anything so profound or real.

I love that we are in the midst of experiencing the Perseid meteor shower.  When I couldn’t sleep last night, I went out on my back patio and took in the night sky.  The sky was deep indigo, and the stars were not just present, they were dancing!  They sparkled and twinkled, shining with effervescence and I even was delighted to see a shooting star in this dazzling spectacle.  Call me a sucker, call me simple, call me whatever you like, but my soul was filled and comforted with the beauty there was to behold.  It was so comforting, as if the heavens were winking at me, and giving me a tiny glimpse of how beautiful and joyful that existence might be.  I could go back to bed and for a change, fall right to sleep, assured that all was just as it should be.

So when I think of my guys, my parents, all my loved ones who are no longer present to us, and when you think of yours,  I hope that our tears are for the joy we are missing and our smiles are because we know just how blessed we have been.   

Twinkle, twinkle little star, I no longer wonder what you are…….Up above the world so high, like a presence in the sky.  Twinkle, twinkle little star, you bring comfort from afar.